This week

We went to a homeschooling group at the Crystal Castle. The Gyuto monks were there preparing the stupa they will build.
The homeschooling kids all made webs-of-life. Little eight webbed, hanging decorations that symbolise the eight noble truths.
My parents came to visit. It was a lovely visit. For once instead of being re-active I decided to believe that everything everyone does is coming from a place of love. And it usually is.

No photos again because my cute little photographer dropped my new camera. I only had it for two months. I am a bit disappointed. The first new camera I ever owned. And I don't think it will be covered by the warranty because it wasn't a technical fault but it was dropped. Oh, well, I'll save up for another.

Been feeling up and down this week. Had some really good positive moments, but even during them I am wondering if this feeling is going to stay or if it is just a moment, you know? Doesn't feel like happiness, just like a little ray of sunshine poking through the clouds for a second. And you know the weather is going to change. Like those moments of sunshine are a tease really because you know they are going to disappear. It's funny, I used to be so much closer to all the stuff that hurt me and I could push it back easier. I used to be happy and positive amidst all the stuff in my head but now, years have passed but I am stuck here in the middle of it and can't seem to get away.

I haven't got the kids tonight. Totally kid free. I guess I should be happy about that but instead I am lonely. There are a thousand things I want to do by myself. But once a week when I have no kids for one night I am usually so exhausted that I sit here and have a few wines and don't do anything at all. And I know there is value in doing nothing at all occasionally, but I WANT TO DO SOMETHING! I am so bored being by myself. I have so craved me time but now I have nothing to do with it.

When I was with Peace I hungered for some free time to crochet or to sew or to have an hour to relax and have a bath or read a book. To write, to plan plans, to just be; but having a whole 24 hours is a bit strange.

I actually like being busy. I just wanted occasional time out.
I wanted time to do things, not time to sit doing nothing.
Even when I was with Peace, I just felt so isolated. I home school my kids, stay at home gardening and home making and see no one for weeks on end.

I think I spend too much time on my own, stewing over past experiences, thinking about things, thinking about how I could be a better person. How I could change.
I know it's not good to avoid tinking about things, b honestly for me I think I think too much and need to be more active and stimulated.
What I need and have always needed is to have a life. A social life. Friends~!

I haven't made friends for years. I have socialized with Peaces friends.
Most of the mothers I have met through my kids are so different from me. They put their kids in school or smack their kids or look at me weird because I breast feed my 3 year olds. I don't want to be apologising for my choices all the time. Yeah, I know I don't have to apologise but when you are looking after your kids all day, and your partner all night, you don't have much time for self-esteem, for building yourself up to be strong about your opinion.

I have realised that it's hard to make friends without friends. No one to introduce you to anyone, no one to ask you to go somewhere or do something. I meet other parents and they seem to want to talk about how great it is when their kids go to school each day. They want to talk about their careers, they want to talk about their lives, and I feel like I have nothing to say. I like that my kids are home, I don't have a career, I don't have friends or ever do anything...

It's such a self-perpetuating spiral, I can see that. I can see all my problems so clearly, I get where my beliefs come from...it's just hard to know where to start to change.

If I had a friend who believed in me, who encouraged me to do what I was good at...it would help.
But to make a friend I need to get out... to get out, I need to know where to go... to know where to go, I need friends...

BUGGER!

And I understand the whole thought pattern changes I need to be doing to start a positive cycle BUT I feel so fucking alone.

So this week has been a mixture of thigs. Kids are doing fne me not so at times.
I am feeling so great sometimes but so so lonely at others. I wish I had someone to share my dreams with.


Love and squishes to all my Internet friends.