Sunday, August 21

This week

We went to a homeschooling group at the Crystal Castle. The Gyuto monks were there preparing the stupa they will build.
The homeschooling kids all made webs-of-life. Little eight webbed, hanging decorations that symbolise the eight noble truths.
My parents came to visit. It was a lovely visit. For once instead of being re-active I decided to believe that everything everyone does is coming from a place of love. And it usually is.

No photos again because my cute little photographer dropped my new camera. I only had it for two months. I am a bit disappointed. The first new camera I ever owned. And I don't think it will be covered by the warranty because it wasn't a technical fault but it was dropped. Oh, well, I'll save up for another.

Been feeling up and down this week. Had some really good positive moments, but even during them I am wondering if this feeling is going to stay or if it is just a moment, you know? Doesn't feel like happiness, just like a little ray of sunshine poking through the clouds for a second. And you know the weather is going to change. Like those moments of sunshine are a tease really because you know they are going to disappear. It's funny, I used to be so much closer to all the stuff that hurt me and I could push it back easier. I used to be happy and positive amidst all the stuff in my head but now, years have passed but I am stuck here in the middle of it and can't seem to get away.

I haven't got the kids tonight. Totally kid free. I guess I should be happy about that but instead I am lonely. There are a thousand things I want to do by myself. But once a week when I have no kids for one night I am usually so exhausted that I sit here and have a few wines and don't do anything at all. And I know there is value in doing nothing at all occasionally, but I WANT TO DO SOMETHING! I am so bored being by myself. I have so craved me time but now I have nothing to do with it.

When I was with Peace I hungered for some free time to crochet or to sew or to have an hour to relax and have a bath or read a book. To write, to plan plans, to just be; but having a whole 24 hours is a bit strange.

I actually like being busy. I just wanted occasional time out.
I wanted time to do things, not time to sit doing nothing.
Even when I was with Peace, I just felt so isolated. I home school my kids, stay at home gardening and home making and see no one for weeks on end.

I think I spend too much time on my own, stewing over past experiences, thinking about things, thinking about how I could be a better person. How I could change.
I know it's not good to avoid tinking about things, b honestly for me I think I think too much and need to be more active and stimulated.
What I need and have always needed is to have a life. A social life. Friends~!

I haven't made friends for years. I have socialized with Peaces friends.
Most of the mothers I have met through my kids are so different from me. They put their kids in school or smack their kids or look at me weird because I breast feed my 3 year olds. I don't want to be apologising for my choices all the time. Yeah, I know I don't have to apologise but when you are looking after your kids all day, and your partner all night, you don't have much time for self-esteem, for building yourself up to be strong about your opinion.

I have realised that it's hard to make friends without friends. No one to introduce you to anyone, no one to ask you to go somewhere or do something. I meet other parents and they seem to want to talk about how great it is when their kids go to school each day. They want to talk about their careers, they want to talk about their lives, and I feel like I have nothing to say. I like that my kids are home, I don't have a career, I don't have friends or ever do anything...

It's such a self-perpetuating spiral, I can see that. I can see all my problems so clearly, I get where my beliefs come from...it's just hard to know where to start to change.

If I had a friend who believed in me, who encouraged me to do what I was good at...it would help.
But to make a friend I need to get out... to get out, I need to know where to go... to know where to go, I need friends...

BUGGER!

And I understand the whole thought pattern changes I need to be doing to start a positive cycle BUT I feel so fucking alone.

So this week has been a mixture of thigs. Kids are doing fne me not so at times.
I am feeling so great sometimes but so so lonely at others. I wish I had someone to share my dreams with.


Love and squishes to all my Internet friends.

7 comments:

messyfish said...

i thought your area is rife with free thinking breast feeding unschooling mums! Friends will come now you have "put it out there" you'll see :-)

Ariad said...

I hope so.

Eirini said...

Hi there!Your blog is great,kids cute and your honesty very inspiring!You are an awsome mum,an awsome person,and a very promising blogger...I feel lonely too at times,even when I am surrounded by people...find your tribe on the Internet at first and real life friends will follow.Take it a day at a time.There is no lasting happiness,happiness IS in the moments!Peace and light to you!

A Blessed Life said...

Hi sweetie, life is so hard at times, you know i do not think there is anyone that lives that does not have good days and lots of yukky ones as well.I don't know if you realise it but you are helping yourself a lot having here to sound out your views.There will be someone out there waiting to befriend you,I would probably be one that looks strange at you breastfeeding a 3 year old..but..so what! it is your choice and I like to think I would look at you not your actions, we actually had a friend years ago that when her little boy started school she had to ween him,it was so hard for Ben ,it ancient times you would be the "norm".
When you attend your days with other homeschoolers you will find a like minded person,perhaps your friend will be an older person like me but I think you will find better days ahead,I think at 62 years of age you could run rings around me with experience at your young age.Be strong,soldier on,be "you"...you know you can be with 100 people and still be lonely,I find myself very isolated at times but yet around people.Gosh I don't think any of that made sense.

Nelly said...

Stay true to you.I also dont have friends offline but have wondrful ones from my blogging world They have kept me sane.I think you will have ups and downs thats normal too I hope you find a passion to get stuck into that will make you smile and look forward to doing each day.
Shame about the camera it could be fixable maybe?

karisma said...

Wish I lived closer to you lovely! I am sure now that you have put it out there, someone will pop up closer by. Big hugs xoxox

Carmella said...

I quite often feel the same Ariad. I havn't worked for over 6 years, not 'properly'. Whenever I'm with my friends I feel really inadequate because I'm the one who 'only' stays home with her kids. They all take about work/study/social life and I kind of have nothing to say. I love staying home with my kids! Sure ~ it's hard at times, and there isn't alot of time at the end of each day as exhaustion takes over. But in my heart I know it's the right thing to do. Just wanting to let you know that you aren't alone. I hope you connect with some like minded friends soon, many blessings to you as you heal and find your way..

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