I am trying to help myself. Trying all the usual advice to help with depression. I am trying to eat well and exercise.
Exercise is hard for me. Being single with three kids means I rarely get time to myself and when I do I am often so exhausted that I just want to lie down and read a book or nap. I have been advised by lots of people to go for a brisk walk everyday. Because Tui is only three it is hard to go out for a walk by myself. I can't leave her in the care of her older sister and brother. It is not because they are not capable of looking after her for half an hour but that she is an attached child (and I love that) but it means she wants to be with me most of the time.
I can take the kids for a walk with me but often this defeats the purpose of the exercise I am trying to do. Anyone that has walked with small children will know that the pace of the walk is hardly brisk. We stop at every tree or interesting stone, or to back track and look at a flower.
Sometimes the kids decide to argue while we walk, or whinge that they have had enough and want to go home. It kind of defeats the purpose of it being relaxing and stress-relieving!
Tui is only little and often wants to be carried, which is just not good for my back, carrying her now she is bigger. If I carry her for more than ten minutes I end up with a sore back later in the day.
Now I am not whinging. I am just being realistic here. It is easy to say "Go for a walk for half an hour everyday." but in reality for some mothers it is almost impossible to do this.
I have been managing to do a bit of stretching at home with the kids. OK until one of them decides that the yoga position you are trying to do would make a great horsey ride and they jump on you with no warning!!!
Another big thing on my list of to do's, to make me feel better is study.
I love using my brain! I enrolled this week in a Postnatal Doula course. It is an online course and so far I am loving it.
Being a Postnatal Doula is so close to my heart. I think I have been suffering PND since the birth of Tui. And alot of my feelings of inadequacy, not coping, depression could have been alleviated or even avoided altogether with adequate postnatal support.
I am so excited by the prospect of providing this support for other mothers and families.
I love being able to study online. It's easy to fit in around the kids, I can do it when I can find the time. Great way to pass time when I have insomnia.
I have had a technical glitch, my course disappeared off my computer a couple of days ago! I had downloaded it, started the first module and then it vanished into some cyber worm-hole. Hopefully the course technical staff will get back to me soon and I can re-download the course.
Talking about glitches, I've been having so many glitches with my new house. It seems like nothing wants to work. I moved in here exactly one month ago. In the first week I had no electricity for two days...no electricity means no water because of the electric pump. The second week I ran out of gas. The gas is used to heat water and for cooking. Even though I had payed for two full gas cylinders when I moved in! The landlord refused to pay for the gas. Saying I must have used it all. Everyone else I have talked to said there equivalent size gas bottles last at least two months!
Third week here the water tank runs out of water! It takes me three days to find a water cartage company who will deliver water up the hill where I live. When he finally gets here, he realises his hose has broken on the way. Some of the water has leaked out. More leaks out as he is fixing it. He still charges me the full price. Landlord will not contribute to the cost of water. even though there is meant to be enough water when you move into a rental premise. And every single tap in the house leaks!
I get water but the hot water cylinder is not heating, it takes me all day to work out how to fix it and then have a long awaited shower! Also this week two days without power due to scheduled line maintenance!
So yesterday I ran out of water again!!! The tank must obviously have a leak in it. I doubt the landlord will do anything about it. He doesn't seem the type.
I wouldn't mind all this so much if this place was cheap. But I decided to move into a house at the very top end of my budget hoping for a little bit of luxury for awhile, so that I could take it easy and try to deal with everything that has happened over the last year. But instead, I am paying more than I can really afford to live in very hard circumstances.
I can't afford to buy water again. So I'm going to town everyday to fill up my two 20litre water drums. Just enough water to drink and wash the dishes and flush the toilet. And now I'm praying for rain.
I just wish things could be easy for awhile.
I'm trying to cope here. Trying to actively do things to make myself feel better but sometimes it feels like the universe is laughing at me. Making fun of my efforts.