I feel this process of healing and changing my reactions and behaviour is going to be a very long road, with many hill climbs.
My heart felt appreciation and thanks goes out to everyone who commented on my last post.
Your words of compassion and encouragement have really made a difference.
I am still in a very sad and scary place but when things have started to become unbearable I have opened this post and re-read your words over and over.
Knowing I am not alone in suffering and in healing, feeling all your prayers showering down upon me, has felt at times like being surrounded by a soft cotton wool blanket. Like I am encased in your love and compassion.
It has made me see that the world does have a certain measure of goodness.
This week I went to my first therapy session. I really had to push myself to get out of the house and actually go. Making the appointment was not easy but getting there was very hard work.
I was over come by my negative thoughts; "what is the point, I will never get better?", "The therapist will think I am more crazy than anyone else she has ever talked to."
In the end I called Peace. I asked him to come over in the morning and take me to therapy, because I knew that on my own I would think of an excuse not to go. I felt weak asking him to do this but I guess there is strength in knowing when you need help? That is what I am trying to believe anyway.
The wonderful Peace, my ex-partner, but still my best friend, has been baby-sitting me for the last few days. Ringing me to make sure I am OK, dropping in and looking after the kids. He has put all the problems between the two of us aside because he knows that right now I need help. I wonder why it has taken this though? Why did I have to get so damn low before we put the problems aside??? Even just temporarily, for a breath of air?
I am trying to rest right now, something I haven't let myself do for years. Man! It is so hard not to rush around organising things. I think this has been my way of coping for so long; staying busy to distract myself from negative thoughts that now I find it hard to be still.
I am trying to eat better (heck, I am trying to remember to eat at all)
I am trying to be with the feelings that come up instead of running and hiding from them or blocking them out.
I am crying alot.
I am trying to look into the faces of my children, at the sunrise and sunset, at the trees and the stars and remember what love and joy and happiness feel like.
But this is a long road.