Wednesday, August 10

A long and winding road

I feel this process of healing and changing my reactions and behaviour is going to be a very long road, with many hill climbs.

My heart felt appreciation and thanks goes out to everyone who commented on my last post.
Your words of compassion and encouragement have really made a difference.

I am still in a very sad and scary place but when things have started to become unbearable I have opened this post and re-read your words over and over.
Knowing I am not alone in suffering and in healing, feeling all your prayers showering down upon me, has felt at times like being surrounded by a soft cotton wool blanket. Like I am encased in your love and compassion.
It has made me see that the world does have a certain measure of goodness.

This week I went to my first therapy session. I really had to push myself to get out of the house and actually go. Making the appointment was not easy but getting there was very hard work.
I was over come by my negative thoughts; "what is the point, I will never get better?", "The therapist will think I am more crazy than anyone else she has ever talked to."

In the end I called Peace. I asked him to come over in the morning and take me to therapy, because I knew that on my own I would think of an excuse not to go. I felt weak asking him to do this but I guess there is strength in knowing when you need help? That is what I am trying to believe anyway.

The wonderful Peace, my ex-partner, but still my best friend, has been baby-sitting me for the last few days. Ringing me to make sure I am OK, dropping in and looking after the kids. He has put all the problems between the two of us aside because he knows that right now I need help. I wonder why it has taken this though? Why did I have to get so damn low before we put the problems aside??? Even just temporarily, for a breath of air?

I am trying to rest right now, something I haven't let myself do for years. Man! It is so hard not to rush around organising things. I think this has been my way of coping for so long; staying busy to distract myself from negative thoughts that now I find it hard to be still.

I am trying to eat better (heck, I am trying to remember to eat at all)

I am trying to be with the feelings that come up instead of running and hiding from them or blocking them out.
I am crying alot.

I am trying to look into the faces of my children, at the sunrise and sunset, at the trees and the stars and remember what love and joy and happiness feel like.

But this is a long road.

12 comments:

Luscious Lea said...

Love and strength to you

Ren Cuming said...

That road will lead you to home Ariad, and home resides inside your heart, a haven that you will always find rest and peace in. Sending love to you across the oceans, Ren x

A Blessed Life said...

Ariad a little secret you can utilise is simply breathe,each new breath is equal to another step,be a cocoon for a little while as you heal,rest,eat,rest again. we look forward to that beautiful butterfly emerge free.Bless you and peace rest upon your soul.(It sounds like I am a little mad..nooooo lol just a bit)never feel alone.

Kimmie said...

Hi gorgeous girl

Lovely to see a post from you today. So pleased that you reached out to Peace and that he is taking good care of you. I like A Blessed Life's idea of being a cocoon for a bit.

Much love to you and your lil family.

Soft squishy hugs


Kimmie
xxx

Earthdrummer said...

Ariad...feeling very happy to see your post today; knowing that you are climbing upwards Dear One!! And that is enough, that is a beginning!
Be Blessed, Fully!!
Peace & Healing!!

Kelly

Bel said...

You really are brave and strong and so honest. Lots of love and healing to you. xxx

Lars said...

Just know that I am thinking of you and sending blessings.

Unlike others I was not brave enough to comment on your previous post but sent you an e-mail instead.

Hugs, Lars

ruthy said...

love and light to you

Ruthy xxx

Hellena Post said...

Isn't it a bummer that the hardest times often give you the greatest lessons?? Bummer because it's only great as a lesson in retrospect....going through it is still shithouse. Here's to the time in the near future when you can do the ähhhhhh...that's what it was all about!" Peace and love to you sistah:)

Y_T said...

love and prayers and hope you get some healing from therapy. I think you are very brave (therapists....ew) lol!

Melissa said...

It is a long road, you're right. But there will be a day when you'll look back and be amazed at the distance you've travelled. And you wouldn't be able to do that without making that first BIG step of the therapy session. Good for you!


I'm glad your ex is helping. I know nothing about the break up (I'm sorry. I'm new to your blog) but I'm glad he is being helpful and compassionate now.

Hellena Post said...

I can't help but wonder...call me an incurable romantic, but is there no hope at all of you and Peace getting back together?? After reading all your feedback about how much you relate to our relationship and all.....can you maybe take a holiday together away from everyone's expectations and pain and see if your best mate can't maybe become more again?? Would be wonderful if you didn't have to do the single mother trip through your journey within....

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