Monday, April 29

Unschooling your relationship

I've been a participant in lots of real life and on line discussions about relationships lately and I really could go on and on and on about this topic.

Believe me, I don't have a perfect record on this score but I am learning.
 Yes, I am with my soul mate. We met 15 years ago and have had a very loving relationship for many of those years but as regular readers will know we separated almost two years ago to work on our differences and are now back living together. Right now am in the most loving, beautiful relationship I could ever imagine.

Sure, there are some relationships that can't be fixed (the differences are just too great or there is abuse or the unwillingness of one partner to learn) but there are also many who give up because it seems easier; because there seems to be some ideal love on the horizon that will come to them with no effort on their part at all.

I ask you to think about how hard it was to get from a traditional sense of parenting to an Unschooling perspective?  Especially if you had traditional parents and role models. Well, it might just take that same amount of effort to change your relationship.

One of the most important things I ever read about love said...
"Love is not a Noun, it is a Verb"

Love is not something that just happens (apart from the initial chemical, sexual attraction) it is something you do, something you commit to and create.

Here are some of my thoughts in brief :)

Unschooling your relationship

Think about how you treat your kids. Same principles apply!

It’s all about…

Love
- That’s got to be there

Communication skills
-learning how to speak without blaming or shaming
-learning to listen
-learning how to express your needs


Unconditional understanding
-understanding that we are all different
-understanding that another’s differences are not a threat to your beliefs
-actually putting yourself in someone’s shoes and understanding where they have walked from.

Relating without punishment
-at first glance it’s not socially acceptable to punish your partner as it is your kids (in some circles)
-do you tell you partner off for swearing, spank them when they displease you? Do you ground them and not let them go out when they have been naughty? Do you look at their report card from work and criticize them?
-Maybe you don’t do these things BUT do you hold a grudge for days? Do you refuse intimacy? Do you coerce or cajole them into tasks they don’t want to do?

Acceptance
-of yourself
-of your own perception and hang-ups clouding the problem
-of your partner as an evolving being
-of your own and your partners freedom

Self
-everything is a reflection of self
-address your own issues
-look at the relationships that were modeled in your own life

Open Heart
-be open to change, change is sometimes scary but change is also wondrous and and good
-love how you want to be loved

2 comments:

Steve Finnell said...

you are invited to follow my blog

carole johnston said...

I totally agree with all you have written as even if you have not married the love of your life you can be loved in your life,after 43 years of trials and tribulations but no seperations,I can vouch for that.A great blog I hope many read it and look into their lives,i am so happy things have worked out for you as i read your blog but do not always comment.Lovely xx

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