A Journey

Sometimes in losing everything and going back to zero, we experience that time of emptiness and lack of hope; that dark, deep, shadowy place that scares the pants off us, that feels like the whole Universe is literally weighing down on us; that place that makes us cry and cry with the thought of never seeing the sunshine again; with never being able to love again.

We know what love is, we know that some when before this, we felt love but we can not remember how to feel it now. Love seems like something from a half remembered dream. And this is what scares us so much we are not sure if we should choose life…because of all the things we are afraid of, the greatest fear is that we will never feel again.

But maybe it is only from that place we can re-learn everything we thought we knew.

Down there, after some time, we may catch a miniscule glimmer of the light that used to make us smile. At first we cannot smile but the memory of a genuine smile grasps our attention. And fixating on that ray of light, staring into those eyes of innocence and trust, watching that small sprite dance on the water and thinking of nothing else, just the beauty that is there can slowly reawaken our soul.

And being wary that we lost everything for a reason, we lost the good but we also received the gift of losing the bad. That we have been given the opportunity to learn to see love and see the beauty again and the opportunity to leave our out-dated habits and self perception behind.

We have been stripped bare.

We can seek the light like an innocent child. Cautiously at first we follow the muse. Resting and retreating when the night returns but always keeping that glimmer in the corner of our mind.

We re-learn the lessons we once knew, but this time they come together differently; like some kind of mystical puzzle that rearranges itself into something greater than all its separate parts. We begin to see the connection in everything we have ever learned and as the pieces slot back together, they seem to fire up magical connections.

And slowly we realise that the Magic we are experiencing is actually us. And we begin to see how it all comes together and get glimpses of how we can truly use that power.

And we see that even those dark pits of tar we sunk deep into, were a catalyst; a nudge from somewhere unseen, a necessary piece of the soul we needed to experience and explore.

And one day we awaken and feel this wondrous feeling of love, flowing not only through our own veins, but out of us and out into the whole Universe.

So we breathe in and out, and we relax, and again we breathe in and we feel the power of the Great Mother flowing up from the Earth through us, and we Breath out and return thanks to her for her Abundance and her LOVE.

This week

We went to a homeschooling group at the Crystal Castle. The Gyuto monks were there preparing the stupa they will build.
The homeschooling kids all made webs-of-life. Little eight webbed, hanging decorations that symbolise the eight noble truths.
My parents came to visit. It was a lovely visit. For once instead of being re-active I decided to believe that everything everyone does is coming from a place of love. And it usually is.

No photos again because my cute little photographer dropped my new camera. I only had it for two months. I am a bit disappointed. The first new camera I ever owned. And I don't think it will be covered by the warranty because it wasn't a technical fault but it was dropped. Oh, well, I'll save up for another.

Been feeling up and down this week. Had some really good positive moments, but even during them I am wondering if this feeling is going to stay or if it is just a moment, you know? Doesn't feel like happiness, just like a little ray of sunshine poking through the clouds for a second. And you know the weather is going to change. Like those moments of sunshine are a tease really because you know they are going to disappear. It's funny, I used to be so much closer to all the stuff that hurt me and I could push it back easier. I used to be happy and positive amidst all the stuff in my head but now, years have passed but I am stuck here in the middle of it and can't seem to get away.

I haven't got the kids tonight. Totally kid free. I guess I should be happy about that but instead I am lonely. There are a thousand things I want to do by myself. But once a week when I have no kids for one night I am usually so exhausted that I sit here and have a few wines and don't do anything at all. And I know there is value in doing nothing at all occasionally, but I WANT TO DO SOMETHING! I am so bored being by myself. I have so craved me time but now I have nothing to do with it.

When I was with Peace I hungered for some free time to crochet or to sew or to have an hour to relax and have a bath or read a book. To write, to plan plans, to just be; but having a whole 24 hours is a bit strange.

I actually like being busy. I just wanted occasional time out.
I wanted time to do things, not time to sit doing nothing.
Even when I was with Peace, I just felt so isolated. I home school my kids, stay at home gardening and home making and see no one for weeks on end.

I think I spend too much time on my own, stewing over past experiences, thinking about things, thinking about how I could be a better person. How I could change.
I know it's not good to avoid tinking about things, b honestly for me I think I think too much and need to be more active and stimulated.
What I need and have always needed is to have a life. A social life. Friends~!

I haven't made friends for years. I have socialized with Peaces friends.
Most of the mothers I have met through my kids are so different from me. They put their kids in school or smack their kids or look at me weird because I breast feed my 3 year olds. I don't want to be apologising for my choices all the time. Yeah, I know I don't have to apologise but when you are looking after your kids all day, and your partner all night, you don't have much time for self-esteem, for building yourself up to be strong about your opinion.

I have realised that it's hard to make friends without friends. No one to introduce you to anyone, no one to ask you to go somewhere or do something. I meet other parents and they seem to want to talk about how great it is when their kids go to school each day. They want to talk about their careers, they want to talk about their lives, and I feel like I have nothing to say. I like that my kids are home, I don't have a career, I don't have friends or ever do anything...

It's such a self-perpetuating spiral, I can see that. I can see all my problems so clearly, I get where my beliefs come from...it's just hard to know where to start to change.

If I had a friend who believed in me, who encouraged me to do what I was good at...it would help.
But to make a friend I need to get out... to get out, I need to know where to go... to know where to go, I need friends...

BUGGER!

And I understand the whole thought pattern changes I need to be doing to start a positive cycle BUT I feel so fucking alone.

So this week has been a mixture of thigs. Kids are doing fne me not so at times.
I am feeling so great sometimes but so so lonely at others. I wish I had someone to share my dreams with.


Love and squishes to all my Internet friends.

A Brand New Day

I think I've finally found the energy or the drive or whatever it is to move on.
I woke up this morning and just thought "Stuff this! I am so sick of being sad. I'm just going to get over this."
Maybe it'll work maybe it won't but I have had enough of my self-centered, me-focused depression.
Time to look at my kids and make their lives great through making mine better.
All those people who hurt me are now left to deal with their own shit.
I wash my hands of you.
You have no power over me anymore.

Self help

I am trying to help myself. Trying all the usual advice to help with depression. I am trying to eat well and exercise.
Exercise is hard for me. Being single with three kids means I rarely get time to myself and when I do I am often so exhausted that I just want to lie down and read a book or nap. I have been advised by lots of people to go for a brisk walk everyday. Because Tui is only three it is hard to go out for a walk by myself. I can't leave her in the care of her older sister and brother. It is not because they are not capable of looking after her for half an hour but that she is an attached child (and I love that) but it means she wants to be with me most of the time.

I can take the kids for a walk with me but often this defeats the purpose of the exercise I am trying to do. Anyone that has walked with small children will know that the pace of the walk is hardly brisk. We stop at every tree or interesting stone, or to back track and look at a flower.
Sometimes the kids decide to argue while we walk, or whinge that they have had enough and want to go home. It kind of defeats the purpose of it being relaxing and stress-relieving!
Tui is only little and often wants to be carried, which is just not good for my back, carrying her now she is bigger. If I carry her for more than ten minutes I end up with a sore back later in the day.

Now I am not whinging. I am just being realistic here. It is easy to say "Go for a walk for half an hour everyday." but in reality for some mothers it is almost impossible to do this.

I have been managing to do a bit of stretching at home with the kids. OK until one of them decides that the yoga position you are trying to do would make a great horsey ride and they jump on you with no warning!!!

Another big thing on my list of to do's, to make me feel better is study.
I love using my brain! I enrolled this week in a Postnatal Doula course. It is an online course and so far I am loving it.
Being a Postnatal Doula is so close to my heart. I think I have been suffering PND since the birth of Tui. And alot of my feelings of inadequacy, not coping, depression could have been alleviated or even avoided altogether with adequate postnatal support.
I am so excited by the prospect of providing this support for other mothers and families.
I love being able to study online. It's easy to fit in around the kids, I can do it when I can find the time. Great way to pass time when I have insomnia.
BUT...
I have had a technical glitch, my course disappeared off my computer a couple of days ago! I had downloaded it, started the first module and then it vanished into some cyber worm-hole. Hopefully the course technical staff will get back to me soon and I can re-download the course.

Talking about glitches, I've been having so many glitches with my new house. It seems like nothing wants to work. I moved in here exactly one month ago. In the first week I had no electricity for two days...no electricity means no water because of the electric pump. The second week I ran out of gas. The gas is used to heat water and for cooking. Even though I had payed for two full gas cylinders when I moved in! The landlord refused to pay for the gas. Saying I must have used it all. Everyone else I have talked to said there equivalent size gas bottles last at least two months!

Third week here the water tank runs out of water! It takes me three days to find a water cartage company who will deliver water up the hill where I live. When he finally gets here, he realises his hose has broken on the way. Some of the water has leaked out. More leaks out as he is fixing it. He still charges me the full price. Landlord will not contribute to the cost of water. even though there is meant to be enough water when you move into a rental premise. And every single tap in the house leaks!

I get water but the hot water cylinder is not heating, it takes me all day to work out how to fix it and then have a long awaited shower! Also this week two days without power due to scheduled line maintenance!

So yesterday I ran out of water again!!! The tank must obviously have a leak in it. I doubt the landlord will do anything about it. He doesn't seem the type.
I wouldn't mind all this so much if this place was cheap. But I decided to move into a house at the very top end of my budget hoping for a little bit of luxury for awhile, so that I could take it easy and try to deal with everything that has happened over the last year. But instead, I am paying more than I can really afford to live in very hard circumstances.
I can't afford to buy water again. So I'm going to town everyday to fill up my two 20litre water drums. Just enough water to drink and wash the dishes and flush the toilet. And now I'm praying for rain.

I just wish things could be easy for awhile.
I'm trying to cope here. Trying to actively do things to make myself feel better but sometimes it feels like the universe is laughing at me. Making fun of my efforts.

A long and winding road

I feel this process of healing and changing my reactions and behaviour is going to be a very long road, with many hill climbs.

My heart felt appreciation and thanks goes out to everyone who commented on my last post.
Your words of compassion and encouragement have really made a difference.

I am still in a very sad and scary place but when things have started to become unbearable I have opened this post and re-read your words over and over.
Knowing I am not alone in suffering and in healing, feeling all your prayers showering down upon me, has felt at times like being surrounded by a soft cotton wool blanket. Like I am encased in your love and compassion.
It has made me see that the world does have a certain measure of goodness.

This week I went to my first therapy session. I really had to push myself to get out of the house and actually go. Making the appointment was not easy but getting there was very hard work.
I was over come by my negative thoughts; "what is the point, I will never get better?", "The therapist will think I am more crazy than anyone else she has ever talked to."

In the end I called Peace. I asked him to come over in the morning and take me to therapy, because I knew that on my own I would think of an excuse not to go. I felt weak asking him to do this but I guess there is strength in knowing when you need help? That is what I am trying to believe anyway.

The wonderful Peace, my ex-partner, but still my best friend, has been baby-sitting me for the last few days. Ringing me to make sure I am OK, dropping in and looking after the kids. He has put all the problems between the two of us aside because he knows that right now I need help. I wonder why it has taken this though? Why did I have to get so damn low before we put the problems aside??? Even just temporarily, for a breath of air?

I am trying to rest right now, something I haven't let myself do for years. Man! It is so hard not to rush around organising things. I think this has been my way of coping for so long; staying busy to distract myself from negative thoughts that now I find it hard to be still.

I am trying to eat better (heck, I am trying to remember to eat at all)

I am trying to be with the feelings that come up instead of running and hiding from them or blocking them out.
I am crying alot.

I am trying to look into the faces of my children, at the sunrise and sunset, at the trees and the stars and remember what love and joy and happiness feel like.

But this is a long road.