Most people have witnessed children having tantrums in a shopping centre. You may even have been related to the child having the tantrum, yes; I’ll admit that I’ve been there.
Its one thing that a lot of parents dread, I know mothers who will only shop when their children are at school or when their partner is looking after the children. And it’s one question that I’m asked with awe “How do you take your four kids shopping every week?”
So why is the Supermarket tantrum such a common behaviour and a thing so feared by parents?
When my oldest son was little he had a few tantrums before I worked out how to change my behaviour. Now, it’ a very occasional occurrence that one of the kids has a melt down, and it usually happens if I’m stressed or tired.
My first insight was probably the easier one to change. Don’t shop when you or your child/ren are tired or hungry or rushed. Being in the right frame of mind makes such a difference to the outcome of the shopping trip. As an unschooling parent I look at shopping (like everything) as a learning opportunity for my kids.
They can learn so much about food; the different food groups, quality of food, additives, where the foods come from etc. They learn about budgeting, both their own pocket money and the family budget, meal planning and using mathematics with money.
Little ones can learn to read in the supermarket. My six year old pre-reading son loves to play the alphabet game. Where you have to find an A on the signs or packaging, and then a B, and so on. My two year old loves spotting things. Can you see a picture of a dog? Can you see the toilet paper?
With the effort and a bit of imagination you can keep kids engaged with the process and prevent them becoming bored and irritable.
Another thing I recognised in my own behaviour was my misperception that everything my son pointed to he wanted to buy immediately. So often I see Mums smacking their kids hands for taking something off a shelf or berating them, “No! You can’t have that!”
Let me put it this way, imagine if you were shopping with your partner or a friend and every time you pointed to something pretty or interesting your partner/friend yelled at you, “No! You can’t have that! Don’t even look at it!”
As adults we call it window shopping and its ok for us to look at things, to browse, even if you can’t afford to buy something or probably won’t ever buy the object.
Encourage your kids to window shop. If my child picks up a Teddy bear and says “Look at this Mum!” I stop and look. I get down at their level and say how soft the teddy is, how cute it is and maybe even have a cuddle with it myself. Then we put it back and continue shopping. Sometimes I point out interesting things for my children to look at.
When a child is older and directly asks to buy something I think it’s important not to automatically say NO. This sets up a negative vibe. If I really can’t or don’t want to buy something I find that my kids understand logic, so I explain to them why I won’t buy it.
There are certain diffusion responses I use too. Especially if I can see that asking for the product is just a whim brought about by bright packaging or advertising.
Yes, we can save up to buy that.
Yes, that’s expensive though, I could buy that for your birthday or for Christmas.
Yes you can get that next time you have spare pocket money.
Sometimes they save up to buy something they have seen and other times they forget about it or decide that they don’t really want it.
My last observation about children having tantrums in shopping malls is that parents really seem to fear the judgement of others. And it is true that judgement is alive and well! Feelings like, Oh my god, everyone is looking at me, they all think I am a bad mother, Everyone’s thinks I should smack my child and make her stop, are some of the thoughts I’ve had.
But remember that these thoughts are about how you the parents feel; they may not even be true. Often people are sympathetic, most of them have been there themselves. And it’s really not about you. It’s the child that is distressed.
My best advice would be to take a deep breath and forget what others may be thinking and focus on your child. If you need to wait and sit it out so be it!
So if you happen to be shopping and you come across a child screaming on the floor and a mother sitting cross-legged in the aisle, hand lightly resting on the child’s leg, serenely smiling at passersby, don’t judge. Smile back and say “This too will pass.”, because it could be me.
Showing posts with label genle communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label genle communication. Show all posts
Thursday, September 9
Thursday, January 29
Mum...you really stuffed that up!
Well that is the edited version. The whole comment was;
'Mum, I don't want to hurt your feelings 'cause I know you were just trying to be helpful, but you really stuffed that up!' Mr T (aged 4 1/2)
It made my heart sing!
Why?
Because it means my child can express himself so well.
The whole situation started with him asking me to draw a T on his piece of corn pie with the tomato sauce. Well, I drew a lower case 't' and he wanted a capital 'T'.
This is the sort of thing that inspires me to keep doing what I'm doing.
I'm talking about gentle communication with children and how you reap the rewards every time your child expresses their emotions clearly to you. By taking the time to explain to them how we feel when they do something, instead of yelling or ignoring, we are giving them the tools to be able to express themselves clearly.
What a gift! Isn't the whole of life about communication? About communicating with friends, family, workmates, the world?
We would be all so much free-er if we could express ourselves without feeling inhibited or feeling guilt.
Hopefully this next generation of consciously raised children will not have to deal with wars and strife because they will innately know how to get their messages across without offending. They might be able to accept others ideas without being threatened because they feel so confident in themselves...oh for a perfect world...
'Mum, I don't want to hurt your feelings 'cause I know you were just trying to be helpful, but you really stuffed that up!' Mr T (aged 4 1/2)
It made my heart sing!
Why?
Because it means my child can express himself so well.
The whole situation started with him asking me to draw a T on his piece of corn pie with the tomato sauce. Well, I drew a lower case 't' and he wanted a capital 'T'.
This is the sort of thing that inspires me to keep doing what I'm doing.
I'm talking about gentle communication with children and how you reap the rewards every time your child expresses their emotions clearly to you. By taking the time to explain to them how we feel when they do something, instead of yelling or ignoring, we are giving them the tools to be able to express themselves clearly.
What a gift! Isn't the whole of life about communication? About communicating with friends, family, workmates, the world?
We would be all so much free-er if we could express ourselves without feeling inhibited or feeling guilt.
Hopefully this next generation of consciously raised children will not have to deal with wars and strife because they will innately know how to get their messages across without offending. They might be able to accept others ideas without being threatened because they feel so confident in themselves...oh for a perfect world...
Saturday, September 27
Look ma , no hands...
Being a mum to four I'm constantly hearing refrains of "Look at me, look at me!", watch this!", "Look at my new trick!" and while I love them all so much sometimes I don't know how to respond. I don't want them to rely on my approval to feel good about themselves. So I do watch and try not to say good boy or good girl. Rather I try to say something along the lines of I've never seen you do that before or Is that a new trick, or do you feel proud of yourself?
There is a great article on Joyous Birth about why not to sat good girl and good boy. I'm still trying to wean myself off the habit because it's just something that you hear so often that you find yourself saying it without thinking.
My gist of the whole thing is that when you praise kids you are conditioning their behaviour to respond to your expectations. They grow up seeking approaval as adults. If we give children the attention that they really need-in the form of co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, baby-wearing as well as listening to them as real people and meeting their emotional needs as well as their physical needs- then they won't need to seek this false attention by asking our approval all the time.
Learning some thing new or reaching a normal developemental milestone should be treated as normal, rather than recieving hand-clapping and cheering. When a child does something thoughtful or nice all they need is a simple 'thankyou'.
As an adult I sometimes still feel the need to seek the approval of others to feel good ar acceptable. I never really learned to value myself.
A couple of years ago my sister wrote a song about still looking for your parents approval as an adult called 'Look ma no hands' and it really says it all.
There is a great article on Joyous Birth about why not to sat good girl and good boy. I'm still trying to wean myself off the habit because it's just something that you hear so often that you find yourself saying it without thinking.
My gist of the whole thing is that when you praise kids you are conditioning their behaviour to respond to your expectations. They grow up seeking approaval as adults. If we give children the attention that they really need-in the form of co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, baby-wearing as well as listening to them as real people and meeting their emotional needs as well as their physical needs- then they won't need to seek this false attention by asking our approval all the time.
Learning some thing new or reaching a normal developemental milestone should be treated as normal, rather than recieving hand-clapping and cheering. When a child does something thoughtful or nice all they need is a simple 'thankyou'.
As an adult I sometimes still feel the need to seek the approval of others to feel good ar acceptable. I never really learned to value myself.
A couple of years ago my sister wrote a song about still looking for your parents approval as an adult called 'Look ma no hands' and it really says it all.
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