Unschooling your relationship

I've been a participant in lots of real life and on line discussions about relationships lately and I really could go on and on and on about this topic.

Believe me, I don't have a perfect record on this score but I am learning.
 Yes, I am with my soul mate. We met 15 years ago and have had a very loving relationship for many of those years but as regular readers will know we separated almost two years ago to work on our differences and are now back living together. Right now am in the most loving, beautiful relationship I could ever imagine.

Sure, there are some relationships that can't be fixed (the differences are just too great or there is abuse or the unwillingness of one partner to learn) but there are also many who give up because it seems easier; because there seems to be some ideal love on the horizon that will come to them with no effort on their part at all.

I ask you to think about how hard it was to get from a traditional sense of parenting to an Unschooling perspective?  Especially if you had traditional parents and role models. Well, it might just take that same amount of effort to change your relationship.

One of the most important things I ever read about love said...
"Love is not a Noun, it is a Verb"

Love is not something that just happens (apart from the initial chemical, sexual attraction) it is something you do, something you commit to and create.

Here are some of my thoughts in brief :)

Unschooling your relationship

Think about how you treat your kids. Same principles apply!

It’s all about…

Love

- That’s got to be there

Communication skills

-learning how to speak without blaming or shaming

-learning to listen

-learning how to express your needs

Unconditional understanding

-understanding that we are all different

-understanding that another’s differences are not a threat to your beliefs

-actually putting yourself in someone’s shoes and understanding where they have walked from.

Relating without punishment

-at first glance it’s not socially acceptable to punish your partner as it is your kids (in some circles)
-do you tell you partner off for swearing, spank them when they displease you? Do you ground them and not let them go out when they have been naughty? Do you look at their report card from work and criticize them?
-Maybe you don’t do these things BUT do you hold a grudge for days? Do you refuse intimacy? Do you coerce or cajole them into tasks they don’t want to do?

Acceptance

-of yourself

-of your own perception and hang-ups clouding the problem

-of your partner as an evolving being

-of your own and your partners freedom

Self

-everything is a reflection of self

-address your own issues

-look at the relationships that were modeled in your own life

Open Heart

-be open to change, change is sometimes scary but change is also wondrous and and good

-love how you want to be loved

Renovations :)

It has been awhile since I posted and as you might notice my blog has a totally new look. It feels fresh and clean and easier to navigate.

My blog isn't the only thing I'm renovating.
I've been busy giving my life a do over; cutting out the old wood, a lick of paint, a fresh new outlook.

I've been trying to spend more time outdoors again.

At Hells Hole in Mount Jerusalem National Park, NSW, Australia

 I used to spend a large part of each day outside; in the garden or playing in the kids garden with the children, but since I have been renting a house with no garden space I've spent too much time indoors.

My stint at being a solo parent is over for now. Scott has returned from his six week trek in Nepal (you can see heaps of pics of his adventures on face book at Adventjah Cirkus.) and is living here in my spare room.

At first he was going to stay here until he found a new place to live but it's working well as it is at the moment.

The kids are so happy having access to both their parents all the time and it's great to have Scott around to share the parenting.

Our time living apart for the last 18months has taught us both so much. We have both learned about treating each other with respect, about not taking each other for granted, about appreciating how much we each do for the kids and each other, about each of us having our own space and me time, about creating our own individual happiness and not relying on or blaming each other.

So we are back living as a family but are creating a new way of being together.

We have so many shared goals in common as well as our shared love for our children.

Yes, at times I feel trepidation, but I'm also excited about where this new journey of walking side-by-side will lead us. 

Space and relationships

I wanted to share this wonderful Post from one of my favourite bloggers, Hellena Post - Creatrix.
Every good relationship needs lots of time for personal space doesn't it?

In her beautiful way she has written about her relationship with her partner. There was a lot I relate to in this post. I've never met Hellena in person but through reading her blog I feel like I have met a kindred spirit.

She talks about how there is a common belief that people need space in relationships but how her experience of her relationship is different. I loved reading every word.

I've never been one to follow rules. And the expected rules of how a relationship should run has always baffled me.
-first we must date
-then we can call ourselves partners
-then we can commit to each other
-but always maintaining our own personal space to do our own things and be our own people

I've always believed in love at first sight, I've always believed in following my heart when it comes to relationships. If I want to spend every moment with my lover because I believe I have found my soul mate, because I enjoy their company, because I am so in love that I want to immerse myself in our mutual love then I will. And there is nothing wrong with that.


I love this quote from her post...

 If attitudes sent towards Currawong and I show a collective attitude towards closeness in relationships, maybe folk are too scared of being consumed by someone else and becoming ‘co-dependant’ (which incidentally is a totally inappropriate term to apply to close relationships, as the term was originally coined to describe the partners of drug addicts who helped their partners to get their fix) to really experience great love.

Anyway I can't do justice to what she has written by giving my opinions here. Go read the article...
:)

Growing Love

In the space between your thoughts

Is a something/nothing that is everything.

Let it grow, so there is more nothing.

Let it build until the something is so huge it is everything.

Years ago I heard a phrase that was the basis of the philosophy of one of the Christian religions, "Little baby black with sin." This shocked me, it implies that people are born with an evil soul and need to be taught how to act correctly, moralistically; they need to be saved.

What a sad view of the human race.

I believe that every child is born full of love. Not just full but brimming over. The love fills their entire bodies and radiates out to anyone around them.

It is our societies silly belief that we must teach, instruct and make our children "better" that ensures that by the time they have grown into adults the love has left their cuddly, soft limbs (which are now stiff and inflexible), has withdrawn from their bodies, no longer shines from their eyes. It often only exists as a small kernal, the size of a tiny seed, in their hearts.

Instead of bringing our children down to our level, we adults should be trying to re-grow our natural birth-right of  LOVE.

Feed the seed of love in your hearts with loving thoughts.
Loosen up your body so that love can start to flow through it again.
Re-create possitive life experiences as an adult through visualization.
And let yourself accept love and praise and joy into your naked soul.