Closer but further apart- The footy fan phenomenon

Have you noticed that the closer two opinions are the greater the disagreements between the people who hold these opinions. I've been wondering why this is so.
And frankly I can’t come up with a satisfying answer.

Perhaps it’s got to do with ego…perhaps it’s to do with wanting to fit in with like minded people; I think it’s got a bit to do with labels.


The footy fan phenomenon

Firstly let me explain my football fan metaphor.

I start with sport.
There are those of us who LOVE sport and there are those of us who couldn't give a toss about sport. While that is a huge gulf of difference of opinion there is not much contention about the issue. Those of us who find sport boring simply shrug and think “I don’t know what you see in it.” And vice versa.

Then there are those who prefer to watch tennis and golf and those who prefer Football.
Again a difference of opinion and I’m sure there have been discussions about it but it’s not as if footy fans stand outside Wimbledon ready to start a riot and punch on about which sport is better.

Take it one step closer and you have Football fans who prefer Rugby, League, AFL, American football, Soccer…and you bet there have been plenty of pub brawls about which is the best code.

Then you go one step deeper again…to the fans who love the same code of Football…getting very close to the same opinion here…AND these are the ones most likely to commit violent acts over who is right.

Sure people disagree about things when they have very big differences of opinion but as you get into the minutiae of opinions, and the details of definitions there seems to be more contention, more frequent and more passionate arguments.

I’m thinking in particular at the moment about some on line homeschooling communities.

Instead of these communities being united by a common belief in home education there seems to be much in-fighting, disagreement about definitions, judgmental commentary about which type of homeschooling is better and down right bitchy, nastiness.

There are Homeschooling groups, Unschooling groups, Radical Unschooling groups all knocking each other.
There are sub groups within the Radical Unschooling groups who support one theory or another, one definition or adhere to one particular guru or another. And the shit that goes on in some of these groups would blow your mind! Or perhaps not...as this phenomenon seems to be widespread.

So much so that many people new to home education are turned off the concept by the tone of these forums before they even get a chance to learn about it. And experienced home educators are leaving the forums in droves because they just want to be able to share their knowledge and not engage in petty name calling.

But it’s not just in homeschooling forums.

It seems to be everywhere.
The closer two religions are the greater the Wars.
It is usually the Vegans criticizing the vegetarians, the far right wing political party criticizing the not-so-far-right political party... saying they are not doing it right, they are not committed enough.

Is it Fanaticism then?

Wikki says “…the fanatic displays very strict standards and little tolerance for contrary ideas or opinions”
Is this why as the definitions get stricter, when the differences get smaller the Fanatic must become ever more vigilant at keeping their boundaries of belief protected?

Is it because people get so attached to their beliefs, or so attached to belonging to the group which hold these beliefs in common that they can no longer think individually.

In essence I don’t think there is anything wrong with using labels to define groups of people…it makes life simpler.

It’s a lot simpler to say “I’m a vegetarian.” than it is to say’ “I don’t eat pork, or chicken, or bacon, or beef, or turkey, or ham, or veal etc…”

Labels can be divisive, labels can be limiting but they can also help us finding common ground with others.
Labels help us identify groups of people we want to interact with.
They help us find friends with things in common, experts to learn from.

But instead of using labels as a guide maybe we get too attached to them; instead of using them to identify they become our identity???

There are many Labels I have used in the past or use now. Some have reached their used by date, some I still use to help explain who I am or what I believe in but there is no one label that could ever define me.
I am an individual.
Each and every decision is checked by how I feel not what the guidelines of the group are.

Radical beliefs and freedom of thought.

I think the danger of using the word Radical is that it is associated with fanaticism. But by radical I mean very different to the mainstream.

Many of my beliefs are seen as pretty radical by some people. Yet they are my beliefs and I am neither attached nor fanatical about them. I don’t go out of my way to convince others to come to my opinion, I usually only speak of my beliefs here on my personal blog or if someone specifically asks me about something they are curious about.
I often change my mind as I learn and grow and hope I keep changing my mind until the day I die.
I do not have a problem with differences of opinion. I have a problem with my freedom of thought being taken away.
And it is not just angry people on forums who make us feel unable to express our opinions and live how we choose. But our governments trying to regulate our behaviour to concur with the common denominator. I should be free to vaccinate or not, to home educate or not, to homebirth or not...but the government seems set on taking our right to make informed choice away.

They are saying the same thing as the fanatics on the forums...unless you agree with us you are out! If you don' agree with the general opinion then we will force you to behave as if you do anyway.


And it is this Freedom of thought I like to afford others.Believe what you will.
And if you like we can have a nice intelligent debate about it or not...
But know that while I may not agree I am not going to call you names, or hurt you, or as government legislation has been seen to do, forcibly take away your rights so you have to change your mind.


Anyhow, as an example of how two people with differing opinions can keep it real and not get nasty, I loved this debate between an Atheist and a Christian.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJXtCUBwBCI

Coming soon...

I haven't posted here alot lately.
As you can see I've been busy creating.

And I'm in that lovely world of introspection that often comes with late pregnancy...where I don't really want to interact much with the outside world. I just feel like staying at home and being with my family and creating a nest.

BUT coming soon will be lots of cute baby pics, lots of exciting news as we manifest some of our big dreams for the life we want to live.

Taking it personally

Over the years of writing this blog I have received a lot of feed back.
Most of it is very kind and heartfelt; some of it not so kind.

It seems that some readers take things personally. It’s as if they think a post is directly related to them and once they start feeling insulted by my writing they use the impersonal forum of the internet to send me messages telling me just what they think of me and how everything I believe and everything about me is just wrong!

For Clarity

After I posted the other day about sharing I received an abusive message from someone who had taken my post personally. This person actually wasn’t a stranger but someone I know well who decided that what I had written was all about them.

Well, I’d like to clarify that it wasn’t.
After the torrent of insults I received I don’t feel like I need to justify myself to this person. In fact I don’t think I will even be speaking to this person again.

Apparently they had been thinking for years, that I am a crap parent and a bad person but this post was the trigger that obviously allowed them to spew forth all that saved up venom.

I would like to clarify that most of this post “Sharing is not Caring” was written about six months ago.
I have a huge backlog of writing and articles that I am constantly adding to and publish them when I get the time to edit them.

As I don’t wish to insult people I do not write about incidents directly when they happen. I do not mention names because of course I do not want to hurt people’s feelings. Sometimes I even change events a bit or change which child of mine was involved because I do not wish to slander anyone.

I do use examples of things that happen in my life though when I am trying to explain my opinion/ beliefs about parenting…because these incidents help illustrate my point.


My Opinion

My opinion is just that.

It is mine.
It is how I view the world at this current time and of course it is open to change.

But as I said it is MY opinion and I never expect others to agree.
And as I respect others opinions I expect mine to be respected.

I am actually a very open minded person and although I often write about Homeschooling, Unschooling, Co-sleeping, Breastfeeding I have many friends who parent very differently to me. Their kids might be in school, they have careers and enjoy them; they don’t breastfeed or co-sleep or home school. AND I love and totally respect them.

I am totally open to discussion and debate. And often I participate in engaging discussions.

You may disagree with my opinion so much that you no longer read what I write.
That is totally cool with me.

BUT if my opinion offends you to the point that you need to tell me how much you hate me then really it’s not a matter of conflicting opinions…it is a sign that you may need to have a look at yourself and workout why you feel so triggered.

How I process feedback

When I receive positive feedback I don’t immediately think…

 “Oh I am so awesome!”
“Someone agrees with me so that makes me right!”

I actually feel very humble.

I feel very blessed and a bit awed that my words may have helped someone; shown someone a perspective they had previously not seen; helped someone relate to their child with more love and respect.

I even often have negative thoughts about myself thinking

“Well that person doesn’t really know me and I am not really perfect.”

When I receive negative feedback I try to approach it objectively also.

I realise that that person is projecting negativity and anger from their own experience towards me.

That they are refusing to identify the trigger in what I said that made them feel so bad, and instead can only think of making a personal attack on me to justify their own position. Instead of identifying and engaging in a useful debate they can only get so far as anger and abuse.

And negative feedback does hurt.

As much as I try to let it wash over me; realise it’s the others expression of their shadow; it does hurt.

Disclaimer of Perfection

Most who read my blog know I am not perfect. I have never declared, or tried to come across as if I am.

Rarely do I write about the days when I feel like shit and am cranky with the kids, or the days when I question Unschooling, or the days I have an argument with my partner.

I certainly have principals and beliefs that I try to adhere to but I give myself the love and acceptance that I give everyone else, to be real.

This is where I am and what I am doing right now.
Sometimes I fuck up and say the wrong thing to my kids, sometimes I’m a shit partner to my love.

I drink and I smoke and burp and fart and swear like a sailor.

BUT I am balanced with how I treat myself.

I forgive my own mistakes because I know I have many, many good qualities too.
I know I am always trying harder to be a great person.
I am always learning and am always open to others opinions and beliefs.

I actually think one of my best qualities is not judging others; the fact that I CAN totally accept others where they are.

I have friends from such a diverse group of people. Successful professionals, ex-cons, pot smokers and organic freaks, environmentalists and miners, police people and dole-bludgers, gardeners and mothers, mainstreamers and boundary pushers, punks and pastors.

AND I do accept that some people can not accept me.

To you I say please go your merry way and live a happy life but if it’s at all possible, please do not send me messages insulting me or my children or my lifestyle.

Namaste

Sharing is NOT Caring

One of the silliest platitudes that you often see taped to the wall in schools is “Sharing is Caring.”
Well maybe in an environment like school where everything belongs to the school, kids need to be reminded to share everything. But in our own homes my kids have the right to not share their possessions.

This does not mean that I don’t encourage them to share. I do explain to them about empathy and that sharing a toy often makes it more fun to play with. That sharing with others can make us feel good.
But the final decision is up to the children.

Just as I have ownership of my things so do they.
It comes down once again to the equal rights of children.
If I have a say over who can use my car or my laptop then they should have a say in who uses their belongings.

I love to share.
I share with other adults and with my children all the time.
 There are many possessions in our house that are “mine”. Craft supplies I have bought myself, special treats, the “good” scissors etc. My kids ask me if they can use my things and most often I share with them.

I show them the same respect. I ask if I want to use my sons Playstation. I ask if I can go into their rooms. And most often they share with me too.

They are great at sharing with other kids too.
Because they have the right to say “no” does not mean they say no all the time. They love to share.

BUT there are occasions when they don’t.
This often involves other kids who don’t get the concept of ownership because they have been forced to share.
I usually explain to the other kid that as it belongs to “x” he doesn't have to share it and I will offer the child another toy that is communal property.

Often other children do not respect the “please ask before using it” request.
My son got very frustrated recently, after repeatedly requesting of a visiting child, “Can you please ask me before you go into my room and get my toys?” I can totally understand this! If an adult was visiting in my home and kept taking things without the respect of asking me if it was OK first I would be frustrated too.

Often other parents get shitty when I don’t force my kids to share. They do not understand that a child has equal rights in my home. They don’t have the paradigm or relationship with their own child in which to explain that “x” doesn't have to share his special toys with you because that parent has repeatedly told their child that they MUST share.

I do encourage my children to put away their precious belongings before others come over and to have some things out that they are happy to share. But some children who have never been shown the respect of controlling their own belongings really do not get personal ownership and will continue to take and hassle for everything and invade my children’s space. I see this as a sad side effect of forcing “good” behaviour on children.
They are simply “doing” the behaviour but have not understood the reasons why.
They are behaving in certain ways to please their parents but do not understand the intrinsic feelings behind behaving a certain way.
And then often they act in the opposite way when the parents are not looking.
They feel “wanting” but do not understand why.

Forcing kids to always share is bullying, controlling parenting and is dis-empowering in the long run for children.
I give my kids the right to have ownership and responsibility for their own possessions.

We all want our kids to be kind and caring but forcing them to enact these behaviours does not make kind and caring people.
If parents model these behaviours the child will naturally learn them. They will learn them when they are ready, old enough to want to. Each child differs and of course there is no age which is “old enough” When the child is developmentally ready they will understand these concepts. When they feel safe and that their belongings are respected they will share them.

Elimination Communication

Elimination Communication or EC is also known as Nappy Free, Diaper Free and Infant Potty Training.

I first found out about Elimination Communication almost ten years ago when I was pregnant with Tama. At the time I was living in the small village of Nymboida in NSW and at the local playgroup I was privileged to meet a lovely Mum who was practicing EC with her newborn babe. When I saw her take her month old baby to do a wee I was fascinated. And set about asking her 100 questions about the practice.

Like many of the other parenting practices I have adopted; co-sleeping, baby-wearing, extended breast feeding, as soon as I heard about EC it just seemed so right and natural.

My two EC babes

The more I thought about it I realized that nappies(Diapers) have not have been around for ever and there must have been some way of dealing with Babies Elimination needs before their invention.

I moved interstate not long after meeting this Mum and during the last months of my pregnancy learned as much about EC as I could.

There wasn't a lot of info available at the time but I re-read the Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff (my go to book about Natural Parenting) and I found a couple of on-line sites dedicated to EC.


EC is not Potty Training

Even though it is known by other names I really prefer the name Elimination Communication. Because it is all about communication.

The terms Nappy(Diaper) Free just seem to scare people..."What! You just don't put a nappy on your baby!"
Infant Potty Training implies that the baby is trained. Just as people "train" their older children to use the toilet after years in nappies.
But this is not the case at all.

I have read so often that the general scientific/parenting consensus is that babies DO NOT have control of their Elimination until they are 2-4 yrs old. This is the reason/excuse that people put their babies in Diapers. One mainstream parenting website says that before this age Babies bladders "automatically empty".

Well, this is simply not true.
My EC babies have had bladder and bowel awareness and control by six months old.

Statistics show that half the babies in the world are toilet/potty trained at 12 months. It is only in Western countries that some children wear nappies until they are four yrs or older, the average age is 3 years.

Many cultures today still traditionally use Elimination Communication today but they do not call it this...to them it is just a natural practice.

Why then is it a big deal for some parents to get their older kids to use the Potty?
Because they have been "trained" to eliminate in a nappy. The nappy has come to feel normal and comfortable. For the child's whole life so far they have been taught to we and poo in one place and now the parent is wanting them to do it elsewhere. Of course many children will be resistant.


How does it work

EC uses signals, cues, timing and intuition to deal with Elimination needs.
It really is about communicating with your Infant. As we all know communication is a two way street, talking and listening.

Cueing is when you get to do the talking.

The most common cue is to hold the baby over an appropriate place to urinate (some people use the laundry sink or a potty or a toilet) and to make a "psss" sound.
This sound innately makes one want to wee. After I had my first baby in hospital, and it was painful to pee, a nurse suggested turning on a tap in the bathroom because the "shh" noise of water makes us want to pee. Horse trainers use this exact same technique to get race horses to pee before a race.

Before Tama was born I was a bit skeptical of my own ability to practice EC. I was worried that maybe I wasn't "in tune" enough, or "aware" enough to make EC work. Well, the day he was born I was all snuggled up with my new baby before the fire in the lounge room. A couple of hours had passed since his birth and I realized that he hadn't yet peed. So I took him into the bathroom, held him out over the sink and said "psss".
When he immediately started pee'ing I shouted out in surprise and had to call the whole family to come and see the miracle!

Signals
This is the listening part of the communication.

 All babies give signals before they eliminate. After EC'ing Tama for awhile I realized that my two older children had signaled but I had just been unaware what to look for back then.

Before T would wee he'd start wriggling around a bit in my arms. Before he'd poo he sometimes do a couple of farts(this is a really obvious signal) or he'd grunt and/or start clenching his belly muscles.

Once I had recognized these signals in my own baby I began to recognize them in others babies. AND I realized that many parents already recognize them. I have often heard a mother comment (after hearing her baby fart or make grunting noises) "I'll have a nappy to change in a minute!"

Timing
This is about learning your babies routine. Both my babies I have EC'ed have had fairly predictable Elimination patterns.
Just like most of us, they need to pee when they wake in the morning. In fact they need to pee when they wake all day long.
They often need to pee or poo after a big feed.
They may need to pee or poo before bed.

Intuition
Sometimes you just get the feeling that the baby needs to go.
When this happened to me I got a feeling of warmth spreading (almost as if the baby had already pee'd on me) and often looked to check there had not been an accident! I soon learned to trust my intuition even if the baby had eliminated not long before.



I practiced EC from birth with my two youngest children. Many people do not start until the baby is a couple of months old. Many practice part-time and use Nappies when it suits.

I know that personally after practicing EC I could not go back to using nappies. Not only does it seem easier now...yes, there is a time investment in being with and listening to your child but it saves a lot of time in washing nappies(I always used cloth nappies before, but if you buy disposables the $ savings would be great), but it also feels more hygienic. There is no nappy rash, no toilet training to be tackled later.

So with another baby on the way I have been making some EC supplies. It is very hard to find commercial underwear for a newborn babe!

EC Undies

 And all baby clothes are designed to fit over the top of nappies and so are too big for my little nappy-free bums.

EC sized pants

And a couple of double lined EC mats to use in the bed at night or on the floor.

For more info on EC checkout these sites...

http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/
http://www.sarahbuckley.com/mothering-mindfulness-and-a-babys-bottom-an-introduction-to-elimination-communication/
http://www.nappyfreebaby.co.uk/Home

Winter Warmers Market

I have been busy crocheting. My creativity seems to follow the seasons. All Summer I have been sewing and making hats and Fairy wings but now the cooler weather has set in there is nothing nicer than snuggling up on the couch and spending some time crocheting.

Here are some of my creations.

Some little Elf hats....

This lovely baby bunny rug...

And this cute little vest...

To see more head over to my Facebook page, there are many more winter warmers listed there...
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.376663219108658.1073741828.135445186563797&type=3

Cookie Monster did not make us fat.

This afternoon I was thinking about how people blame children’s TV for the problems of a generation...or perhaps excuses or reasons for personal choices or problems.
(But then there are people whose job it is to look for reasons and excuses…)

I was thinking how this attitude is both amusing and alarming.

Amusing; because it is ridiculous to think that kids don’t know the difference between reality and imagination. This is where kids rule!!! They are masters of the imagination and totally get that TV is not real.

“Yeah, mum, don’t worry, I know that is not real blood and the actor is ok…duh!”

Alarming; because it highlights the depth of the lack of responsibility for self that is dominant in our culture.

Blame the politicians, the media, the doctors, the teachers, the capitalist bastards and if all else fails blame the kids TV shows!

When I think back to the media I watched as a kid, before there was so much political correctness in TV programming, before there were ratings on movies, I really don’t see how watching any of it damaged me or formed my opinions.

We were exposed to the whole gamut of TV and movies; blood and guts (Mad Max,  Jaws,) really sexist attitudes (The Brady Bunch, The Dukes of Hazard ), racism(Love thy Neighbour, Benny Hill), homophobia etc and we didn’t grow up believing all that shit!

I loved Bert and Ernie but they didn't make me Gay. In fact I thought they were a lovely couple.

BUT Elmo shits me!!!

Friggen talk like a real kid, Elmo!

None of my kids talked about themselves in third person or talked like a pathetic moron…actually, come to think about it… Elmo wasn’t even on Sesame Street when I used to watch it…maybe he’s the problem and should be banned!!!

My kids watch heaps of TV and play heaps of computer games and they are not fat or violent or stupid.

It's not the show's our kids watch, or even the amount of screen time that's affecting them.

It's the other influences in their lives.

What are our kids’ biggest influences?

That’d be us!

Their parents.
And if they go to school their teachers and peers…

My parents taught me that racism sucks!

They taught me that homophobia sucks!
I heard my parents more than I ever heard the stupid messages broadcast from the box. But the exposure to the “other” messages made me aware of the choices that other people made.

I also educated myself about most things.
I wasn’t going to be a rat in a cage responding to the stimuli of scientists, I was going to be a free-thinking, self-determining, indi-fucking-vidual!

No babe is born with fear ruling their lives. They come into this world trusting, knowing that they will be loved and cared for.
They are not born with hate coursing through their veins. They are born in a state of love.
Any negative, hateful, fear based reaction that our children show has been taught.

It's time for adults to take self-responsibility for their choices, time to let kids make their own decisions without our fears guiding/ shaping/ teaching / hurting them.

Sex made me Pregnant and Pregnancy has made me a Lunatic.

Yes, I am expecting!
I am expecting many things. I am expecting that the Sun will rise tomorrow morning; I am expecting that I will get a home-made card and a nice lunch on Mothers Day and I am expecting to give birth to another child later in the year.

I am also expecting that being Pregnant will change my sense of being for awhile.

I find the hormones coursing through my body will change my focus in life and direct my attention inward. They will make me have awesome, awareness-promoting pregnancy dreams and also make me more likely to lay awake at night pondering things I never usually stop to think about.

I expect that I will also ramble on a bit about things that have very little interest to others.

Tonight I have been pondering how I really dislike the term “Expecting”.

Whenever I hear the phrase “Expectant Mother” I find an image of a woman waiting at a Train Station pops unbidden into my head. I imagine her with an expectant look on her face…she is waiting; sometimes she looks excited, sometimes a bit apprehensive, a bit impatient. Her kids running around her feet as she taps her foot and glances at her watch every now and then…

Another thing that bugs me about Pregnancy terminology is the 40 week pregnancy thing. I prefer the old fashioned women’s terminology.
I am pregnant for 9 months. And by months I do not mean an arbitrary amount of days written on a calendar designed by the Romans, I mean a proper Moon-th, based on a Lunar Cycle… and when I say “Lunar Cycle” I am not talking about the bike I ride around on naked when celebrating the full moon… but the length of time between one full moon and the next.  

A Lunar month is approx. 29.53 days x 9 = 265.77 days.

This equates to 37.96 weeks…close enough to 38 weeks for me.

The whole 40 week thing seems to have been designed by the medical profession to round things off to a nice even number but as a side-effect it is just another falsity that takes away from our femininity, our connection with Earth and Moon, our innate Women’s wisdom.

Just as our Menstrual periods are correlated with the Moon so are our pregnancies.
I am not pregnant for 40 weeks. I did not become pregnant on the first day of my last period.
In fact it was sex a while after that that got me pregnant!

Yes! Sex…that old taboo subject…is that maybe why Dr’s would prefer to talk about our last period…so they don’t have to mention sex...regardless of the fact that this is how we got in this state?

So talking about Sex…the other day while driving with the three youngest kids in the car I was listening to a conversation they were having in the back seat.

4yr old…” What’s if X got pregnant and was going to have a baby?”
8yr old…” She doesn't have a boyfriend. And you need a boyfriend to have sex to get pregnant.”

4yr old…”I know that!”
8yr old…”Do you know what sex is?”

…at this point 13 yr old interrupted with…”I think she’s too young to tell her about sex.”

They went quiet for awhile.

After a minute I asked 13yr old…” Why do you think she’s too young? I mean she was created by sex. We all were.”

13yr old thought and said “I guess so.”

This lead to a long discussion about how talk about sex is taboo. How this has led to many peoples hang-ups and bang-ups about sex. How sex is why we all exists and is totally natural and how it is only culture, religion, media, the warped world we live in that makes sex a disturbing subject, makes it dirty. We talked about how sex is pure and natural and actually vital to the human race…after all, we are all a product of sex so how can it be bad?

I love being able and willing to have discussions like this with my kids. I love that they are not scared or worried to ask me about anything they are curious about.

I don’t think that talking about sex with children is in anyway damaging. In fact I believe the opposite; that not talking about it as if it’s the most natural thing in the world we should discuss while out for a drive, is much more likely to be damaging.

To refuse to discuss the topic, to do so uncomfortably would be to lead the kids to assuming that the misinformed images, the distortions of sexualised behaviour that are portrayed throughout society are correct.

So after we had finished the conversation everyone was quiet for a few minutes and then a little voice piped up from the back…

“Anyway… I do know what sex is!

 It’s when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina. So there!”

So there, indeed!

And it is as simple as that…

Sex made me Pregnant and Pregnancy has made me a Lunatic.

Unschooling your relationship

I've been a participant in lots of real life and on line discussions about relationships lately and I really could go on and on and on about this topic.

Believe me, I don't have a perfect record on this score but I am learning.
 Yes, I am with my soul mate. We met 15 years ago and have had a very loving relationship for many of those years but as regular readers will know we separated almost two years ago to work on our differences and are now back living together. Right now am in the most loving, beautiful relationship I could ever imagine.

Sure, there are some relationships that can't be fixed (the differences are just too great or there is abuse or the unwillingness of one partner to learn) but there are also many who give up because it seems easier; because there seems to be some ideal love on the horizon that will come to them with no effort on their part at all.

I ask you to think about how hard it was to get from a traditional sense of parenting to an Unschooling perspective?  Especially if you had traditional parents and role models. Well, it might just take that same amount of effort to change your relationship.

One of the most important things I ever read about love said...
"Love is not a Noun, it is a Verb"

Love is not something that just happens (apart from the initial chemical, sexual attraction) it is something you do, something you commit to and create.

Here are some of my thoughts in brief :)

Unschooling your relationship

Think about how you treat your kids. Same principles apply!

It’s all about…

Love

- That’s got to be there

Communication skills

-learning how to speak without blaming or shaming

-learning to listen

-learning how to express your needs

Unconditional understanding

-understanding that we are all different

-understanding that another’s differences are not a threat to your beliefs

-actually putting yourself in someone’s shoes and understanding where they have walked from.

Relating without punishment

-at first glance it’s not socially acceptable to punish your partner as it is your kids (in some circles)
-do you tell you partner off for swearing, spank them when they displease you? Do you ground them and not let them go out when they have been naughty? Do you look at their report card from work and criticize them?
-Maybe you don’t do these things BUT do you hold a grudge for days? Do you refuse intimacy? Do you coerce or cajole them into tasks they don’t want to do?

Acceptance

-of yourself

-of your own perception and hang-ups clouding the problem

-of your partner as an evolving being

-of your own and your partners freedom

Self

-everything is a reflection of self

-address your own issues

-look at the relationships that were modeled in your own life

Open Heart

-be open to change, change is sometimes scary but change is also wondrous and and good

-love how you want to be loved

Winter Warmers

While Winter is still awhile away it is beginning to get cooler at night.

Tonight the wind has been howling up the valley and has inspired me to make a few more Winter Warmers.

Here are some pics of my latest creations.

Some one-of-a-kind, free-form crochet Leg Warmers.

These were made with a series of rows and then finished at the bottom with many spirals and circles all free-formed and hand stitched together.

The colours are a mix of beautiful Autumnal tones of browns, oranges and maroons.

Here's a close-up of the bottom section of the warmers.

Under the spirals they are finished with a flared frill. 

They are 48cm long and could be worn above or below the knee depending on your leg length.

The top opening is 42cm so they have plenty of room to be worn over leggings.
They are fastened with a hand-corded draw cord which has been finished with decorative crocheted spirals, tassels and beaded with wooded beads.

These Warmers are for sale but I am not setting a price. They are for sale for "What you think they are worth to you."

If you would like to buy them  leave me a comment.

If you like these there are more in the making, so keep a watch here.
They will be different colours and styles of course because no too creations are ever the same :)

Connection in Learning

I was re-reading one of my old Permaculture books today (An Introduction to Permaculture by Bill Mollison) and read this paragraph about connection in nature.

“…a connection between things. It’s not the water, or a chicken or a tree. It’s how the water, chicken and tree are connected. It’s the very opposite of what we are taught in school. Education takes everything and pulls it apart and makes no connection at all.”
- Bill Mollison

As I read it I thought connection is also the thing with Unschooling, with Whole Life Learning.

Our learning is all about connection.

Instead of everything being taken apart and divided into subjects and disciplines; broken into pieces, Unschooling is learning about things in relation to each other. Instead of studying Maths and then studying English and then History etc the children are constantly learning about things as they are naturally connected.

Instead of being a separate and theoretical subject Maths is learned as it relates to life, as a part of the whole. Maths is learned in conjunction with English and Economics and Building and Engineering.

And History is learned in conjunction with language and culture studies and social studies and Geography.

As Geography is learned with Maths and Science and Technology…

And so it goes on.

I know that in education these days there is an emphasis on inter-disciplinary learning, on cross-curricular activities but I feel that this is a bit like cutting a Painting into pieces and putting them back together…it is no longer a Painting, it is a jig-saw.
There are going to be bits missing where the lines were cut. There is a certain skill involved in putting information back together but looking at the jig-saw once it is re-made is inferior to looking at the painting as a whole and understanding the connections.

In Unschooling the intrinsic beauty of the whole is not lost. The intrinsic love of learning is not fractured by cutting the world into subjects; into boring pieces that make no sense on their own.

The learning is natural and is filled with and perhaps fueled by connections. Everything is learned as part of the whole of life.

Welcome to Fun Creek.

To get to our house from town you have to drive up a long, winding country road. First you drive along the valley floor between lush green hills.

And you must cross 2 bridges and 19 causeways before you reach the steep bit of road that takes you up out of the valley to where this house sits at the top, looking all the way down to the Sea.

Having so many creek crossings is the reason that after a bit of rain we get cut off from town. The creeks rise quickly but they also fall quickly...unless there are weeks and weeks of rain like recently.

We were flooded in here for 21 days during January and February!

At the last of these creek crossing, before we get home is spot you can pull over and walk down to the waters edge.

This is the place the Kids have named Fun Creek.
Why? Because it is fun!!!

And it is a most beautiful spot. A place to go and ground in Nature, a place to go listen to the forest, forget about the rest of the world and to soak in the cool waters during  the scorching days of Summer.

A place for the children to be the free sprites they naturally are.

Little Buddhas

“If you must find a teacher,

  Find one under one year of age.”

                                     -Confucius

I believe that every child is born full of love. Not just full but brimming over. The love fills their entire bodies and radiates out to anyone around them. We are drawn to babies to see their smiles, to bask in their wonderment at the world around them. Children can teach us so much.

Society’s belief that we must teach, instruct and make our children "better" ensures that by the time they have grown into adults much of their innate joy and love has left their cuddly, soft limbs (which are now stiff and inflexible) and no longer shines from their eyes.

Instead we should look to the children to teach us!

I thank my four children, Alex, Ishy, Tama and Amaya for everything I know about parenting and for helping me understand the Buddhist Principals of Non-Attachment, Being in the Present Moment and Impermanence.

Children let go of emotional and physical hurts easily, they have a good cry and five minutes later are happily playing again.

They have taught me to get lost in the joy of the moment instead of thinking of the future or the past.

I love that they find the fun in the act of creating not in the end product.

Just as Buddhist monks make a sand mandala that takes many, many hours that is then blown away.

Often after doing art with the kids we have nothing to show for it. The point of the exercise is to have fun, not to necessarily create an end product. The experience is in the mixing of the paints, the textures of how they feel when you squish them, the colour mixing and the spreading.

The lesson is the learning not the results. It is not the piece of paper you save that shows what they have learnt; it is their experience of the world around them that is important. And that kind of knowledge can not be saved on paper.

Non-Attachment Parenting

My goal with parenting has been to preserve the love my children were born with.

I started off just wanting to do my best for my children and soon came to the realization that doing my best for them meant not destroying the innate love and joy that was their birth right. I do this by following their lead, trusting that they know their needs and will let me know.

They let me know as infants when they wanted to feed, when they wanted to wee. They let me know when they were hungry and when they were tired.

A big lesson for me has been to let go of my expectations. Not being attached to any preconceived notions of what raising children should be like.

Not being attached to an age when they “should” stop breast feeding; an age they “should” be reading; a certain way they “should” behave.

Practicing non attachment to their behavior means not punishing because of a certain ‘bad’ behavior but finding the reason behind that behavior and helping the child solve the problem.

To me Unschooling is an extension of the principal of Attachment Parenting and also an extension of my practice of NON-attachment.

Not being attached to what people think children should learn, letting go of punitive punishments in favor of working with my kids, treating all human beings with respect no matter what their age.

A Journey

Sometimes in losing everything and going back to zero, we experience that time of emptiness and lack of hope; that dark, deep, shadowy place that scares the pants off us, that feels like the whole Universe is literally weighing down on us; that place that makes us cry and cry with the thought of never seeing the sunshine again; with never being able to love again.

We know what love is, we know that some when before this, we felt love but we can not remember how to feel it now. Love seems like something from a half remembered dream. And this is what scares us so much we are not sure if we should choose life…because of all the things we are afraid of, the greatest fear is that we will never feel again.

But maybe it is only from that place we can re-learn everything we thought we knew.

Down there, after some time, we may catch a miniscule glimmer of the light that used to make us smile. At first we cannot smile but the memory of a genuine smile grasps our attention. And fixating on that ray of light, staring into those eyes of innocence and trust, watching that small sprite dance on the water and thinking of nothing else, just the beauty that is there can slowly reawaken our soul.

And being wary that we lost everything for a reason, we lost the good but we also received the gift of losing the bad. That we have been given the opportunity to learn to see love and see the beauty again and the opportunity to leave our out-dated habits and self perception behind.

We have been stripped bare.

We can seek the light like an innocent child. Cautiously at first we follow the muse. Resting and retreating when the night returns but always keeping that glimmer in the corner of our mind.

We re-learn the lessons we once knew, but this time they come together differently; like some kind of mystical puzzle that rearranges itself into something greater than all its separate parts. We begin to see the connection in everything we have ever learned and as the pieces slot back together, they seem to fire up magical connections.

And slowly we realise that the Magic we are experiencing is actually us. And we begin to see how it all comes together and get glimpses of how we can truly use that power.

And we see that even those dark pits of tar we sunk deep into, were a catalyst; a nudge from somewhere unseen, a necessary piece of the soul we needed to experience and explore.

And one day we awaken and feel this wondrous feeling of love, flowing not only through our own veins, but out of us and out into the whole Universe.

So we breathe in and out, and we relax, and again we breathe in and we feel the power of the Great Mother flowing up from the Earth through us, and we Breath out and return thanks to her for her Abundance and her LOVE.

Learning IS Natural

I often hear of people worrying out loud that Unschooled kids will never learn anything. (I’m sure this worry must come from the utmost place of concern and compassion…surely there wouldn’t be any judgement involved?)

But they worry that without lessons, without being forced to learn, without rewards and punishments and bribes that a child will never learn a thing!

I’d love to say to those who worry “Think about it.” And leave it at that!

I like to trust that if these people honestly sat down and opened their minds and thought about how the World works; about the true Human condition that eventually they would ‘get’ it.

Maybe they would. But most don’t seem to be open to thinking about it…they want to hear justification.

So here I am to explain the logic of children learning without an Educational Institution or without even a parent who ‘makes’ them learn.

1. Children learn naturally.

 Your child learnt to walk and talk without lessons, without trained teachers. You did not need to offer encouragement, rewards or to punish your baby to ‘make’ them take that next step, to make them say that next word.
You did not need to schedule walking and talking practice for your child or make sure they completed a certain amount of hours practise each day.

You were Okay with the idea that some children walk before they are 1yr old and that it’s perfectly normal that some kids don’t walk til they are 2yrs old.

Same with talking…your child learnt to talk! And as they grew they went from single words to two words, to sentances; their vocabulary improved and their baby-talk fell away…just like that!

Learning is what we humans do!
It goes on for our whole lives. I’m learning as much everyday now at 40 as I did as a baby, a kid or a teenager.

How many adults do you know (and these are adults who went to school) who will tell you that everything of value they learned was once they were out in the “real” world (meaning outside the institutions)?

2. Do you really think that if a child did not go to school they would just stagnate?
That they would still have the same knowledge/ perceptions /skills as a six year old for the rest of their lives?

That by the age of 17 your schooled child will be able to do Algebra and write Essays but my unschooled child will still have trouble reciting the Alphabet…because they never even went to Kindy?

This reminds me of when my first son was a baby and some people assured me that if I co-slept “he would never leave my bed”…
he’s 18 now and yes, he did leave my bed… At least 12yrs ago!!!

Oh, and the time someone assured me that if I let my children self-wean they never would!!! Well the youngest of my children is 4yrs old now and she has almost stopped having booby.

The world does not stand still and neither do children.

3. Unschooling does NOT mean keeping our children from anything that is thought of as learning in a ‘normal’ schooling situation.

We are NOT anti-school.

We are anti-coercion, anti-authoritarian, and anti-bullying (and that definitely includes parents bullying their children) and all of these practises are unfortunately part of the school system.

We do not stop our children from learning Maths and English or from doing text books or from studying History, but we let our children decide when and if they want to learn.

In fact one of the values most Unschoolers have is to provide for their children as many diverse, vast, open ended learning experiences and opportunities as possible.

We do not do the “school” paradigm but most Unschoolers I have met are highly intelligent parents who care very much about ‘educating’ their children.

However we question, not just the school/institution paradigm but the common perceptions about what Education really is. We ask why certain knowledge is pre-requisite for humans; we ask deep questions about what humans really need to learn for their evolution, we ask our children what they need.

We educate/relate to our children in the most loving, open-minded, honest way we can.

We strive to give our children access to the broadest curriculum possible.
The difference is that it is not a forced curriculum.

4. Unschoolers don’t discipline their children.
True.
We do not use discipline.
We do not reward, punish, coerce, shame or humiliate our children.

And the world would be a better place if adults did not act like this to each other either.

It could be argued that a child taught in these negative ways might go on to model/ use these behaviours as an adult. They might grow up to coerce, to bully, to ridicule, to compete. There is certainly not much proof in our society against this theory.

The alternative theory is that by modelling compassion, understanding and freedom we might inspire children to these behaviours.

No discipline does not mean unruly children, it does not mean we don’t have any boundaries, it does not mean a free-for-all.

Children who are truly respected respect their parents.

We have principals and standards that we expect ourselves as adults and our children to keep to as much as possible. BUT we also give our children the same respect we give adults.

The qualification here between normal parenting and Unschooling is that we have the same expectations of all people, children and adults; we also allow that children are young and might not act appropriately in social situations all the time.
BUT we do not shame, punish, smack or humiliate.

We explain, we love, we take a child away from a situation where they might be annoying others and sit with them.


We do not judge or belittle our children; we talk and show by example.

We respect all personal boundaries of Parents and children.

There are no hard and fast rules that apply all the time. Sometimes you can jump on the couch at home because we are having fun; at other peoples homes you can’t unless you ask and it’s ok.

Sometimes Momma is willing to read 18 books before bedtime and other times I am tired and do not feel like it.

It’s Okay to swear in context and when it’s appropriate. My kids all know who not to swear around because they don’t want to offend.

Children respect us because we are real. Because there are not arbitrary rules that appear to have come from nowhere, there are not questions to which we answer “Because I said so!” Because I am the parent and you are just a kid.







And to anyone still wondering if unschooled children will ever learn anything my advice is ask questions if you are truly curious, because most Unschooling folk are more than happy to explain.
Just not the type of questions that imply “I think you are neglecting your children!”

Please don’t approach us with the attitude that “What you are doing is so different to the norm that I find it very confronting, so I need to negate your experience and put you down so I don’t feel bad because if it were true I might have to change long held beliefs.” We really don’t want to indoctrinate other into doing what we are doing. Unschooling is a choice.

In brief…just “Think about it.”…before you judge.

For what it's worth

Once again I am having a familiar conundrum. I am a bit sick of this particular conundrum! It is one I have struggled with for years; one that comes up time and time again.

This conundrum involves asking for what I am worth; selling my services and art for their true value.

It also concerns the hippy yearnings I’ve had for years about living in an idealist society where barter is more the norm than the exchange of currency; the ideal that people are honest and will give as they receive. That people might actually offer to pay what they think something is worth rather than asking for a discount or bargain…

It may also be a bit about self-belief. This may also be tied up with being a happy giver but a not so happy receiver.
And it may be about wanting to be generous and realising that many people live a financially frugal life, as I have at times.

Years ago when I was a massage therapist (well I still am but don’t practise much now…) this conundrum first came up for me.

Friends would want massages and even though I intended to ask for a reasonable fee I always ended up saying “Oh, 20 bucks will do.”

At the time a massage at a Healing Centre would cost $50-60.

Now, I’m going to rave on a bit about my skill as a massage therapist…just bare with me til the end…

I am good at massage, actually I am great! Most people who I have massaged have told me it was one of the best massages they ever had. But when I have massaged at home (because that is where I am) I have always felt that I should discount the price a bit because I am just massaging in my lounge room, with my kids crawling under the table and sometimes the atmosphere is not quite like a relaxing Healing Retreat…ok, so price drops from $50 to $40.

Then I figure that as I don’t pay the over-heads that a Clinic has I should drop the price a bit more…down to $30…

Then as most people I massaged were friends or friends-of-friends I should give a mates-rates discount…so down to $20…

I can see the logic of it BUT I ended up resenting working for $20 for 1 ½ hrs at a very physically and energetically demanding occupation.

It has been the same with selling my crochet. Sometimes I finish a piece for which I have designed the pattern, taken hours and hours to make and end up selling it for $20.
Well, when the yarn cost $10 and the time it took was extensive I really wonder if it is worth continuing sometimes.

Once when I realistically price a pair of Adult sized Crochet Pants on my website I received a very rude comment on my blog about how “ridiculously expensive” they were!

And no! I have not sold many things at all! I am not rolling in money.
It seems that people see crochet as a Granny Craft, as something bored house-wives do to fill in time when they are in between chores (chuckles to self!)  

It doesn’t help that some crochet items made by Grannies and sold at Craft Markets are ridiculously UNDER PRICED!

Crochet, like any Craft is actually an Art form!
I find the distinction between Art and Craft amusing at times and insulting at other times. Apparently the distinction is that craft makes “useful” items decorative and Art is purely for pleasure; for aesthetics.

Craft is a ‘hobby’; Art is a ‘work’.

I read a great book awhile ago, “Radical Lace and Subversive Knitting” by David Revere McFadden, Jennifer Scanlan and Jennifer Steifle Edwards.

It really crystallized for me the belief that anything that is beautiful is Art!

One Author talked about “dissolving the categories of Art, Craft and Design that have fragmented the world into aesthetic and functional.”

This is so true

I have a friend who makes the most beautiful clay sculptures as a hobby; as her craft. She sells them at her local markets for $50 each.
Not long ago while surfing the net I came across some images of similar sculptures…they were in a Gallery in Sydney and were selling for $2000!!!

Maybe that is it!

If you have the balls, the tenacity, the attitude to call yourself an Artist then you can sell something for 40 times as much?

The latest visitation of “The Conundrum” is about the new Fairy Wings I have made.

One-of-a-kind Fairy Wings. (I.e. no one else will ever have the same wings as you!)
They are lovingly hand crafted using wire, nylon, wool, yarn, lace, up cycled and new fabric, with elastic or ribbon straps.

Approximately 8 hrs of design, layout, wire-work and hand stitching goes into each pair of wings.
Which in real time, because I am a stay-at-home-mum who Home schools my kids, equates to 3-4 days to make each pair. So if I get paid a pretty low wage of $20 an hour then the base cost is $160…if I added on the cost of materials, of Artistry and Inspiration; the fact that they are one off I would realistically be asking about $300 for them. But I am just pricing them at $130.

So I have decided to call myself an Artist.

I am not a hobbyist; I am not a bored stay-at-home-mum who fills her spare time decorating useful objects!
I am an Artist.

My time is precious and yet the time I spend making my creations is fulfilling, inspired and it is my work.

My skills are not incidental or cute.

These are serious skills passed down by my Mother, my Grandmother and many Mothers before that. They are not just skills of necessity or of needless decoration but are beautiful Artisan skills.


I was taught to knit and crochet by my mother when I was a small girl. At the time my Mother would spin her own wool. I loved helping card the fleece and would sit for ages while she wound the newly spun wool in a skein around my hands.

My Nana who was a Seamstress and worked, among other jobs, making Costumes for theatre Companies in Melbourne back in the 1930’s – 1960’s taught me a love of sewing. She taught me to how to embroider, how to darn socks, to sew invisible hems, to latch hook rugs, to hand sew clothing from scratch. So as well as the amazing stories and invaluable family history I learned from her while we sat together doing these things, I also had the privilege of learning my basic skills with a master crafts woman.

Oh, the stories she told were incredible! How when she was learning to sew in a factory the Boss woman would walk around making them undo stitches, redo hems if you could see so much as a single stitch on the right side, how there were no sick days or no workers comp…if you accidentally ran over your finger with an industrial sewing machine while sewing, you stayed and worked so you could keep your job and your family could eat.

She was the type of woman who valued resources. Maybe growing up during the Wars and the Depression did that to many people. She would save every button, re-use every zip and darn and fix clothes and then re make them to fit others or make them into tea towels or as last incanation they would become rags…nothing was wasted.

Nana Ninny was the one who taught me the meaning of frugality and before it was even an issue in mainstream society, she taught me the intelligence of recycling and up cycling. She taught me the pride in a job well done; she taught me that functionality does not over-ride aesthetics.


So though this mad world continues, with it’s messed up systems of value; with its esteem of Bargain over Craftsmanship; it’s insane ‘disposable resources’ mentality,

while we live in a world where a ‘qualification’ is more valuable than self-taught skill; where a GP can charge a standard $150/hr fee, regardless of whether he just prescribes antibiotics or actually diagnoses something or just refers you to someone else (yet does nothing at all for your health) or actually only spends 10 minutes with you; while we have a society where teachers are payed, yet home educators are abandoned by the government; where Midwives are ostracized yet the business of Obstetrics grows every year; where the food producers engineer, codify and Copyright our food crops ; where many Tradesmen are not Craftsmen or Artisans but bodgey rip off merchants; where Engineers are designing products not to last, but to be frequently replaced… I will continue to try to realistically price my wares.


I will try to make some money towards caring for my family and I will continue to recycle and create, to imagine and dream; to bring artistry to the mundane, to bring a useless but fantastical object into life AND I will value my Craft and ask for what it’s worth.

Wings

Here are some new wings I have been working on. Very happy with how they turned out so I'm on a bit of a wing frenzy now making more :)

Rainbow food.

The two youngest kids have been getting into preparing their own food lately.

Together we have been looking up creative ways to present food on the internet.

Yes! Playing with your food is fun!

Here are some of the platters we have created.

Vege snack plate

more vege!

Chocolate Fondue with a Fruit Rainbow.