Thursday, November 8

Sometimes

Sometimes when I am cleaning up I feel grateful that I have such creative, free-spirited kids.
 As I am cleaning I acknowledge all the awesome projects and activities my kids have been doing.
Sometimes when I am doing the dishes and you come ask me to help wash or dry up I feel grateful.

But sometimes I feel annoyed when you ask to help; knowing that I would actually get it done faster by myself. Most times this is because I am feeling tired. Occasionally it’s because I am feeling annoyed with something or someone…not often you.

I love your creative urges. I have them too!

When I have a creative urge I love getting everything out; spreading my sewing stuff, or my yarn stash all over the floor.
I like getting a look at it before I start, I like categorising it sometimes.
Other times I just know what I want to do and set out to make it.
Sometimes I get the idea to create something crazy; something that involves papier mache, wire, crochet and tissue paper and I get everything out! But all I achieve is a really big mess.

And it is a really big mess, as you know… I appreciate how you walked around my messes/ creations.

So I do understand what you are doing and how you are learning.

I’ve just got all these little voices in my head, whispering silly things to me, and sometimes those voices are louder than the lessons I learned as an adult, voices from the past; telling me tidiness is more important than creativity, voices saying that I should just give up on creating, voices telling me there are rules about how parents should treat their kids.

I love getting out the paints or the play dough; getting out the chalk and decorating the whole house; painting the windows with water paints, picking flowers and making flower petal murals…

I love being creative with you!
I love cleaning up and most times I appreciate that I am doing it because I choose you my children. I wanted you in my life, I wanted to you love, I wanted to give my love; to share everything with you.

But sometimes, when I am washing extra dishes because the first three bowls we served your dinner in were not acceptable, when I am scrubbing your creative drawings off the walls of our rental house, when I am picking play dough off the light switch; when I am tired or sad; when I am feeling like the slave in the family, I feel like yelling “FUCK” at the top of my lungs…and sometimes I do. (Lucky I have understanding neighbours!)

When I ask if you could help picking up some of your toys or help washing up or sweeping the floors, I get that sometimes you don’t want to do that.


And I appreciate the times when you do.

But when you don’t want to help; when I feel like a solitary parent, when I feel alone, I can get so sad that I cry; so mad I take it out on you.

And I am sorry for those times.

But no matter how I try to create the perfect life for you; at sometime in the future, you are going to realise that we live in an imperfect world; there are so many of us trying to do our best but often we fail; there are many people out there who do not try in the least.


And when you realise that I will be here to hug you; I will be here to apologise for my part in that realisation; I will encourage you to do what you can, when you can; to help you move past the voices of doubt and non-belief; I will fight tooth and nail for you, I will work over-time to help you achieve your dreams, I will always love you.

But sometimes…could you help put away your toys?

5 comments:

Corinne Khamis said...

Absolutely LOVE this Sally ...I so feel like this a little sometimes too. There's so much pressure to be perfect and I would love to have an always tidy home but I know that my children will remember the painting drawing beading and dancing etc before they ever remember how tidy the house was. Children remind us about how important play time is for all of us.

karisma said...

(((HUGS))) Beautiful post. I was right inside your head feeling this with you. Ahhh frustration, its right up there with anger, an emotion, flowing in and out likethe oceans tide. Acknowledgement and allowing yourself to feel them is the first step, the next one is working out where to set the boundaries inside ourselves so they don't get out of hand. Have to say I am finding that lesson a lot harder than the first one. But I am learning my friend, I am learning.

As for the dishes, they seem to be popping up all over the place lately. Causing problems for everyones sense of peace. I think they should be done away with. Lets just SMASH them all and go back to eating from the communal pot. Much easier, no more dishes and we can make a mess, get out the frustration AND maybe get creative with the mess we have just made. Yeah?

Ariad said...

Yes! Karisma :)
Doing away with dishes sounds like a great plan ;)

And Corinne, playing is so important.
Funny how we learn these lessons but then need to keep re-learning them.

sue said...

What a wonderful, honest post, I was chuckling away at some things and nodding at others. I must remember to let go and play more often too :)

Ariad said...

Thanks Sue :)

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