Thursday, August 12

From bad to worse (and then even worser)

Oh, woe is me!
Yes, I'm going to have a bit of a whinge, actually a lot of a whinge. It seems that in my life at this time things just keep taking a turn for the worse. I am reminded of the line out of Alice in Wonderland "curiouser and curiouser", except that in my case it's "worser and worser".

Looking back over the last couple of years I realise that I've probably had post natal depression since Tui was born. I know that some PND is hormonal but I also think that some is caused by situational crisis, ie. that the circumstances the new mother finds herself in are overwhelming and there is just no support network there to help.
The way some of us currently raise our children, in isolation from extended family or any real community is so different to how humans lived for hundreds of years before the industrial revolution. Mothers weren't isolated with only their children for company. Tribes and villages had such intrinsic support and respect for mothers that the people didn't even need to think of the concept.
When a babe was born other members of the community took over hunting, childcare and cooking duties for the new family. Even though they may sound like primitive beliefs to some, beliefs that the new mother should not leave the home for a month(or other time) abounded. Maybe that sounds controlling to our ears but these beliefs ensured a period of rest and recuperation for the new mother.
I've read of traditions where the female members of certain societies took it in turns to massage the new mother everyday for a month after the birth (imagine that!!!)

Looking after each other was understood to be an essential for survival. In modern society you are looked on as weak if you need/ want help. We are taught to look after ourselves.

It drives me nuts that I live in a time where new mothers must guiltily ask for help. " Please could you come and give me some practical support, I had a baby two days ago and don't feel like I'm coping with looking after the other kids and doing the housework and all the cooking."

A community way of living also provided support for the father and siblings after a new babies arrival. There was always someone else around, relatives, friends, other children.

So yes, I admit that I have been faced with a situational crisis for the past two years. but things seem to be getting worse not better as I assumed they would as the baby grew and got more independence.
Our financial situation is crap. Works is scarcer and the bills keep getting bigger. We are selling the farm as soon as we can get the house 'sellable'. 

Another quick whinge about my health which seems to be more unhealth at the moment. I seem to be a constant stream of aches and pains and coughs and colds.
And if my relationship survives all this I will be surprised.

I really do appreciate my on-line community. Without all of you I feel I would have no one. I read many inspirational and positive thought on your beautiful blogs but unfortunately they just seem to me to be meaningless platitudes...where did my positive self go?
I seem to be stuck down the bottom of this big gloomy hole with slippery sides and can't find the energy to claw my way out.

19 comments:

Charlotte said...

What a sad post :-( I can't send any proper help but wanted to send some virtual love to a sad soul in need of support xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Charlotte xx

Katy said...

Oh I can relate re the financial side - I wish I lived close enough to offer some real help. The hardest thing I find about blogging is other bloggers are often the sort of people I would rather live near. Maybe we could start a village of bloggers? I hope things ease for you soon.

Charlotte Teek said...

Right. Very strong love going to "Auntie Sha Sha's Domestic Wish Box" (see recent post) right now. Wish we were closer.
And good on you for posting all sides of the rainbow.
XXX and large hugs. Charlotte

Kimmie said...

Ariad honey I am so sorry that life is throwing you lemons. I have add tree loads of them fall on me over time and can so relate to isolation/lack of external support, money side, and just general day to day shi* that can and does happen that tends to snowball etc.

I am only ever an email/ph call away and I am in Brissy.

Wish I could give you a hug today, make you go have a soak in the bath with a book and a cuppa and look after your children for you for a bit. We all need time out and some pampering from time to time, especially busy mums like yourself who are doing such a wonderful job~!


Hugs

Kimmie
x

T_Y said...

so sorry you are feeling so low, and I too wish I could help, but am so far away, also I'm sure there are others more qualified, but my prayers and thoughts are with you.

faith said...

Even though we may not be there in physical body we can help through prayer. So we will pray for you and your family to get through this time. Often enough, it is the Mother..center of the family..that needs to be well before any change can occur. I know this place well...check out my blogs..(labels Crazy Town). You need to connect to the things that make you strong no matter what..and rest assured, Spring is coming. There will be Light at the end of this tunnel.

Louise said...

(((HUGS))) Ariad,

I too can feel your pain and agree with everything you have posted, I am so sad for you, I have recently walked away from my dream in a similar situation and wish you strength to make any decisions you need to, and wisdom to know what to do, and love and support from the Clarence Valley.

xxxLouise

karen said...

Im so sorry that your having such tough times and i realy wish you love and healing and hope that things turn around soon! xoxo

Self said...

A timely post, I can relate to much of what you said and wanted to send some love!
Leela x

Naomi said...

Ahh, sweet woman, I know these feelings too. Community is a real problem for me.

I'm not far away (Gympie). Let me know if you want some company - I'm happy to listen, give you a hand with whatever you need, play with kidlets while you have some time to yourself, etc. I can even bring extra kidlets lol...

oxox

Hellena Post said...

yeah, know how a lot of what you described feels like....coming up to the birth of twins after my last birth being a caesarean, I'm revisiting a lot of what's happened since my last birth to clear the way for the new ones, and I'd have to say the poxiest bit of it all was the Post Natal Depression....it sucked...hugely...for a really long time. I was blown away that after so much work on myself and my life and my patterns that I could go right back to the start in terms of no confidence, wanting to hurt myself and the like. Stuff that my partner had done for ever all of a sudden irked me to extreme degrees, and everything was pooey. I was fortunate to find a magical accupuncturist who worked miracles for me and gave me remedies that worked almost instantly, and also an ayurvedic masseuse who worked amazingly as well. And had a counsellor for a brief time that helped as well - just to have someone unbiased to offload to. The whole financial thing sucks too, but if you're interested in living in SA there's a cheap to live on community here!! All power and love to you, and you certainly haven't let any of us know how you're really feeling, so maybe you're trying to do it all on your own?? Hope you can access some folk who can help and give you love closer by.....

Mon said...

sorry you're feeling so crappy. poor health makes things so mcuh more difficult too.

yes, i pretty much did it alone. even the husband was so busy that it really felt alone, although of course he provided the income.
but otherwise, it was just me and baby. a non-sleeping baby.

at 2yrs old she still wakes every 2hrs. it's not easy. my in-laws were here and it was such an amazing experience just to be able to say - i'm off for a shower. like at random times in the day! lol

hang in there, grab support where you can, have faith that things will improve, do what you can to improve them, or find peace in acceptance.

greendraggon said...

((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Amanda said...

(((((Hugs))))) I think if we were honest with ourselves we all feel like this to a greater or lesser degree because of the way society expects mothers to carry on without pausing for breath.

Massive loving vibes coming your way lady, much love,

Amanda xxx

karisma said...

(((Hugs))) Sending positive vibes your way.. that things will turn around and start getting better for you.

Erin said...

I wish I could give you a hug ...
Bravo on this post. You are so real and so strong and so brave and mark my words, you will get through this difficult time and return to your "self.". You are so right about how difficult it is to bounce right back after a baby especially with other children to take care of, housework, cooking, financial stress, and isolation on top of it all. And women are indeed taught from little on up in this society not to ask for help which is complete & udder garbage. I will be sending you positive energy and good vibes that you get through this time swiftly and peacefully.
FYI ... My 4 year old picked out a book today while shopping and guess what it was called??? "Alice in Wonderland ... Curiousier & Curiousier." Too ironic to your post :)
Much love friend ...

FaerieMama said...

Ariad,

First let me say I am sending you every bit of light and love my heart can muster at this very moment. I know that this makes a difference, and I will send light AND pray tonight at bedtime too.

You are such a light. I can feel it all the way here in america, so it is pretty strong. I am so grateful and humbled that you would share your sorrow with us. That takes bravery.

Know that you are surrounded with Love and LIght, even if you dont feel it. KNow that ALL WILL BE WELL, even if you cant believe it. KNow that LOVE holds you in the palm of his hand. Know that sometimes this spells of darkness are, in retrospect, birth pains...when we are birthing into something far bigger than our previous life. KNOw too that you have friends who have not even met the PHYSICAL you who love you and want you to know it.

If there is ANYTHING I can do, let me know. Here is one thing that helped me when I was really struggling with depression ( and anxiety.) I made myself answer each of these questions every morning before I got out of bed, andevery night before sleep. Sometimes my mind made fun of me for doing it, but I did it anyway. It helped. Here are my "magic questions"

1. What am I most grateful for in my life RIGHT now?
2.What am I most proud of in my life right now?
3. What am I most committed to in my life right now?
4.What am I most happy about in my life right now?
5. Who loves me? (list EVERY single person you can think of that loves you, including animals!)

Sometimes its hard work to answer these, but do it anyway and watch a tiny shift happen.

love love and only love to you:)

Kelly said...

How I hear you! Holding you so much in my thoughts and focusing that all will be well for you. Blessings to you.

Bel said...

I haven't visited your blog in awhile, but I do think of you and your tribe often, living a similar life in a different place...

Many hugs to you, Ariad. I wish we were nearer. xx

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