Oh, woe is me!
Yes, I'm going to have a bit of a whinge, actually a lot of a whinge. It seems that in my life at this time things just keep taking a turn for the worse. I am reminded of the line out of Alice in Wonderland "curiouser and curiouser", except that in my case it's "worser and worser".
Looking back over the last couple of years I realise that I've probably had post natal depression since Tui was born. I know that some PND is hormonal but I also think that some is caused by situational crisis, ie. that the circumstances the new mother finds herself in are overwhelming and there is just no support network there to help.
The way some of us currently raise our children, in isolation from extended family or any real community is so different to how humans lived for hundreds of years before the industrial revolution. Mothers weren't isolated with only their children for company. Tribes and villages had such intrinsic support and respect for mothers that the people didn't even need to think of the concept.
When a babe was born other members of the community took over hunting, childcare and cooking duties for the new family. Even though they may sound like primitive beliefs to some, beliefs that the new mother should not leave the home for a month(or other time) abounded. Maybe that sounds controlling to our ears but these beliefs ensured a period of rest and recuperation for the new mother.
I've read of traditions where the female members of certain societies took it in turns to massage the new mother everyday for a month after the birth (imagine that!!!)
Looking after each other was understood to be an essential for survival. In modern society you are looked on as weak if you need/ want help. We are taught to look after ourselves.
It drives me nuts that I live in a time where new mothers must guiltily ask for help. " Please could you come and give me some practical support, I had a baby two days ago and don't feel like I'm coping with looking after the other kids and doing the housework and all the cooking."
A community way of living also provided support for the father and siblings after a new babies arrival. There was always someone else around, relatives, friends, other children.
So yes, I admit that I have been faced with a situational crisis for the past two years. but things seem to be getting worse not better as I assumed they would as the baby grew and got more independence.
Our financial situation is crap. Works is scarcer and the bills keep getting bigger. We are selling the farm as soon as we can get the house 'sellable'.
Another quick whinge about my health which seems to be more unhealth at the moment. I seem to be a constant stream of aches and pains and coughs and colds.
And if my relationship survives all this I will be surprised.
I really do appreciate my on-line community. Without all of you I feel I would have no one. I read many inspirational and positive thought on your beautiful blogs but unfortunately they just seem to me to be meaningless platitudes...where did my positive self go?
I seem to be stuck down the bottom of this big gloomy hole with slippery sides and can't find the energy to claw my way out.