Sharing is NOT Caring

One of the silliest platitudes that you often see taped to the wall in schools is “Sharing is Caring.”
Well maybe in an environment like school where everything belongs to the school, kids need to be reminded to share everything. But in our own homes my kids have the right to not share their possessions.

This does not mean that I don’t encourage them to share. I do explain to them about empathy and that sharing a toy often makes it more fun to play with. That sharing with others can make us feel good.
But the final decision is up to the children.

Just as I have ownership of my things so do they.
It comes down once again to the equal rights of children.
If I have a say over who can use my car or my laptop then they should have a say in who uses their belongings.

I love to share.
I share with other adults and with my children all the time.
 There are many possessions in our house that are “mine”. Craft supplies I have bought myself, special treats, the “good” scissors etc. My kids ask me if they can use my things and most often I share with them.

I show them the same respect. I ask if I want to use my sons Playstation. I ask if I can go into their rooms. And most often they share with me too.

They are great at sharing with other kids too.
Because they have the right to say “no” does not mean they say no all the time. They love to share.

BUT there are occasions when they don’t.
This often involves other kids who don’t get the concept of ownership because they have been forced to share.
I usually explain to the other kid that as it belongs to “x” he doesn't have to share it and I will offer the child another toy that is communal property.

Often other children do not respect the “please ask before using it” request.
My son got very frustrated recently, after repeatedly requesting of a visiting child, “Can you please ask me before you go into my room and get my toys?” I can totally understand this! If an adult was visiting in my home and kept taking things without the respect of asking me if it was OK first I would be frustrated too.

Often other parents get shitty when I don’t force my kids to share. They do not understand that a child has equal rights in my home. They don’t have the paradigm or relationship with their own child in which to explain that “x” doesn't have to share his special toys with you because that parent has repeatedly told their child that they MUST share.

I do encourage my children to put away their precious belongings before others come over and to have some things out that they are happy to share. But some children who have never been shown the respect of controlling their own belongings really do not get personal ownership and will continue to take and hassle for everything and invade my children’s space. I see this as a sad side effect of forcing “good” behaviour on children.
They are simply “doing” the behaviour but have not understood the reasons why.
They are behaving in certain ways to please their parents but do not understand the intrinsic feelings behind behaving a certain way.
And then often they act in the opposite way when the parents are not looking.
They feel “wanting” but do not understand why.

Forcing kids to always share is bullying, controlling parenting and is dis-empowering in the long run for children.
I give my kids the right to have ownership and responsibility for their own possessions.

We all want our kids to be kind and caring but forcing them to enact these behaviours does not make kind and caring people.
If parents model these behaviours the child will naturally learn them. They will learn them when they are ready, old enough to want to. Each child differs and of course there is no age which is “old enough” When the child is developmentally ready they will understand these concepts. When they feel safe and that their belongings are respected they will share them.

Elimination Communication

Elimination Communication or EC is also known as Nappy Free, Diaper Free and Infant Potty Training.

I first found out about Elimination Communication almost ten years ago when I was pregnant with Tama. At the time I was living in the small village of Nymboida in NSW and at the local playgroup I was privileged to meet a lovely Mum who was practicing EC with her newborn babe. When I saw her take her month old baby to do a wee I was fascinated. And set about asking her 100 questions about the practice.

Like many of the other parenting practices I have adopted; co-sleeping, baby-wearing, extended breast feeding, as soon as I heard about EC it just seemed so right and natural.

My two EC babes

The more I thought about it I realized that nappies(Diapers) have not have been around for ever and there must have been some way of dealing with Babies Elimination needs before their invention.

I moved interstate not long after meeting this Mum and during the last months of my pregnancy learned as much about EC as I could.

There wasn't a lot of info available at the time but I re-read the Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff (my go to book about Natural Parenting) and I found a couple of on-line sites dedicated to EC.


EC is not Potty Training

Even though it is known by other names I really prefer the name Elimination Communication. Because it is all about communication.

The terms Nappy(Diaper) Free just seem to scare people..."What! You just don't put a nappy on your baby!"
Infant Potty Training implies that the baby is trained. Just as people "train" their older children to use the toilet after years in nappies.
But this is not the case at all.

I have read so often that the general scientific/parenting consensus is that babies DO NOT have control of their Elimination until they are 2-4 yrs old. This is the reason/excuse that people put their babies in Diapers. One mainstream parenting website says that before this age Babies bladders "automatically empty".

Well, this is simply not true.
My EC babies have had bladder and bowel awareness and control by six months old.

Statistics show that half the babies in the world are toilet/potty trained at 12 months. It is only in Western countries that some children wear nappies until they are four yrs or older, the average age is 3 years.

Many cultures today still traditionally use Elimination Communication today but they do not call it this...to them it is just a natural practice.

Why then is it a big deal for some parents to get their older kids to use the Potty?
Because they have been "trained" to eliminate in a nappy. The nappy has come to feel normal and comfortable. For the child's whole life so far they have been taught to we and poo in one place and now the parent is wanting them to do it elsewhere. Of course many children will be resistant.


How does it work

EC uses signals, cues, timing and intuition to deal with Elimination needs.
It really is about communicating with your Infant. As we all know communication is a two way street, talking and listening.

Cueing is when you get to do the talking.

The most common cue is to hold the baby over an appropriate place to urinate (some people use the laundry sink or a potty or a toilet) and to make a "psss" sound.
This sound innately makes one want to wee. After I had my first baby in hospital, and it was painful to pee, a nurse suggested turning on a tap in the bathroom because the "shh" noise of water makes us want to pee. Horse trainers use this exact same technique to get race horses to pee before a race.

Before Tama was born I was a bit skeptical of my own ability to practice EC. I was worried that maybe I wasn't "in tune" enough, or "aware" enough to make EC work. Well, the day he was born I was all snuggled up with my new baby before the fire in the lounge room. A couple of hours had passed since his birth and I realized that he hadn't yet peed. So I took him into the bathroom, held him out over the sink and said "psss".
When he immediately started pee'ing I shouted out in surprise and had to call the whole family to come and see the miracle!

Signals
This is the listening part of the communication.

 All babies give signals before they eliminate. After EC'ing Tama for awhile I realized that my two older children had signaled but I had just been unaware what to look for back then.

Before T would wee he'd start wriggling around a bit in my arms. Before he'd poo he sometimes do a couple of farts(this is a really obvious signal) or he'd grunt and/or start clenching his belly muscles.

Once I had recognized these signals in my own baby I began to recognize them in others babies. AND I realized that many parents already recognize them. I have often heard a mother comment (after hearing her baby fart or make grunting noises) "I'll have a nappy to change in a minute!"

Timing
This is about learning your babies routine. Both my babies I have EC'ed have had fairly predictable Elimination patterns.
Just like most of us, they need to pee when they wake in the morning. In fact they need to pee when they wake all day long.
They often need to pee or poo after a big feed.
They may need to pee or poo before bed.

Intuition
Sometimes you just get the feeling that the baby needs to go.
When this happened to me I got a feeling of warmth spreading (almost as if the baby had already pee'd on me) and often looked to check there had not been an accident! I soon learned to trust my intuition even if the baby had eliminated not long before.



I practiced EC from birth with my two youngest children. Many people do not start until the baby is a couple of months old. Many practice part-time and use Nappies when it suits.

I know that personally after practicing EC I could not go back to using nappies. Not only does it seem easier now...yes, there is a time investment in being with and listening to your child but it saves a lot of time in washing nappies(I always used cloth nappies before, but if you buy disposables the $ savings would be great), but it also feels more hygienic. There is no nappy rash, no toilet training to be tackled later.

So with another baby on the way I have been making some EC supplies. It is very hard to find commercial underwear for a newborn babe!

EC Undies

 And all baby clothes are designed to fit over the top of nappies and so are too big for my little nappy-free bums.

EC sized pants

And a couple of double lined EC mats to use in the bed at night or on the floor.

For more info on EC checkout these sites...

http://www.diaperfreebaby.org/
http://www.sarahbuckley.com/mothering-mindfulness-and-a-babys-bottom-an-introduction-to-elimination-communication/
http://www.nappyfreebaby.co.uk/Home

Winter Warmers Market

I have been busy crocheting. My creativity seems to follow the seasons. All Summer I have been sewing and making hats and Fairy wings but now the cooler weather has set in there is nothing nicer than snuggling up on the couch and spending some time crocheting.

Here are some of my creations.

Some little Elf hats....

This lovely baby bunny rug...

And this cute little vest...

To see more head over to my Facebook page, there are many more winter warmers listed there...
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.376663219108658.1073741828.135445186563797&type=3